Wassup??

I figured I better write something or people would abandon me!  I have been sick this week, with lovely case of strep throat, courtesy of my son.  He took one dose of antibiotics and was completely healed; I am on day three and still feel like I am swallowing swords.  Renee has assured me I won’t die, but I’m not sure I believe her.

Speaking of death, please keep Kathy over at Birmingham Blues in your prayers.  Her brother died very unexpectedly this week.  It’s hard enough to lose someone, but when it happens out of the blue, it’s even more difficult.  We love you Kathy!  Be kind to her Satan!

Personally, I’m a bit death obssessed myself.  Don’t know if you’ve noticed that or not.  Reading the obituaries is a part of my daily newspaper regimen.  I start by glancing over them to make sure everyone who died that day was over 80.  Not that I am gunning for the octogenarians; it’s just they’ve already lived a full life, so it’s not quite as painful to read their obituaries.

If there are younger people listed, then I have to read the entire obituary to try and figure out why they died, so I know what to avoid myself.  Sadly, the obituary writers never go into enough detail.  “Died in a local hospital after an illness” is a favorite phrase.  I want to know what kind of illness.  Was it strep throat????  Or MRSA???  Or something more exotic like Ebola?  If there’s an epidemic, I need to know.  Usually if you read down to the end, it will say “in lieu of flowers, send donations to the cancer/heart/leukemia/society.”  That helps fill in the blanks.

If there are really young people listed, then I get obssessed and sad.  I spend the rest of the day wondering why that person had to go.  Which is really silly, to get worked up over perfect strangers, but I never said I was normal.  If I was, I wouldn’t be reading the obituaries in the first place.

Here is my obituary.  Please make sure this is the one that runs in the paper:

Jennifer Bruno, mother, sister, friend and humorist, died today at the ripe old age of 101.  She was a gossip until the end and mean as hell to everyone who encountered her.  She is best know as a passionate activist, working tirelessly to control the squirrel population in and around her home state.  She is survived by her children; son, John, daughter Amy, and daughter the blonde goddess and a host of grandchildren, great grand children and also by many of her nursing home friends.  She is currently at home in Hell, but reports the weather is just fine and she has reconnected with many old friends, including Satan.  Unfortunately, she is working in the squirrel room, being ordered around by all the squirrels she consigned to hell. 

Notice I have made myself a Bruno, in the interest of concealing my identity, especially from my lecherous stalker Don.  Do not think this means I own a beach house, a private jet or any fabulous real estate.  And I won’t be leaving you anything fabulous in the will, so no reason to start sucking up! 

Hope you all stay healthy and stay out of the obituaries!  But if you do kick it this week, have your family give me a call, and I will gladly pen your obit!! 

Advertisements

5 Comments

  1. Teensy
    Posted November 15, 2007 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

    Condolences and prayers are with you Kathy.
    Bruno, please feel better soon!!!

  2. Dr. Renee
    Posted November 15, 2007 at 7:50 pm | Permalink

    You are too funny! While you’re in hell with the squirrels, look me up in the room next door where I’m making nice to insurance companies and being forced to refund co-pays to hysterical hypochondriacs.

    I bet Don will find you in hell.

  3. Posted November 16, 2007 at 1:09 pm | Permalink

    I’ll be in the room on you other side, with the skinny girls who say “oh, I forgot to eat!”.

  4. Karen
    Posted November 17, 2007 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    OK – we already knew that we both are fanatics about reading the daily paper – and we both never fail to read the comics – but who knew we both had an addiction to the Obituary page. I read it almost the same way you do (looking for those who have lived a long life and grieving over those too young). I am also afraid of seeing someone I know on there. The older I get the more it happens too. However, the Bham News Obits are a bit boring – maybe you could hire out as a free lance Obits writer and spice it up a bit!!

  5. merediff
    Posted November 21, 2007 at 1:42 am | Permalink

    i personally just recovered from a horrible case of the dreaded uti. my first ever. & i had to go to germ central, aka the student health center.

    where i picked up a lovely case of a stomach virus. & you know how much i love puking…

    p.s. my grandmother had a friend that thought she caught the avian bird flu. she has only one real eye; the other is glass. i kid you not. true facts.


Post a Comment

Required fields are marked *
*
*

%d bloggers like this: