From the Birmingham News:

ap….A Hoover woman was hospitalized when her ass ballooned to the size of the Hindenburg after she apparently ingested too much Halloween candy.

“I just had 27 of the fun size Snickers,” she tearfully told reporters from her hospital bed.  “And I know I picked out all of the Butterfingers and the 3 Musketeers and the Milky Ways and the Kit Kats and the Almond Joys and the tootsie rolls, but I swear I didn’t eat anything else!  Well, ok, I did eat a few of the Reese’s cups and some tootsie pops, but not many.”

Doctors at UAB Medical Center say this condition is all too common after Halloween.  “What happens,” said one expert, “is the victim picks one candy bar and eats it, reasoning it is small, so it can’t have a lot of calories.  While technically true, the problem begins when the victim eats ALL of the candy bars.  Those calories have to go somewhere, so they are displaced to the ass, which then begins to swell.  Although there’s no official name for this syndrome, we like to call it ‘Snicker’s Butt’.” 

While there is no cure, the patient is usually admitted to the hospital for intensive detoxification.  She is placed on a severely restricted diet and is allowed to eat nothing but boiled eggs and wheat germ until the gluteal edema is reduced.

Behaviorialists are experimenting with a new aversion therapy, in which the boiled eggs are packaged as snickers bars.  The theory is the patient will come to associate the taste of boiled eggs with Snickers, thereby interrupting the neural transmitters for chocolate/peanut cravings.  The patient is also shown graphic footage of people literally exploding after bingeing on Fun Size candy bars.

“I never thought it could happen to me,” the Hoover woman told reporters.  “Next Halloween, I am handing out sugar free granola bars.  If I can prevent this from happening to one person…”

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6 Comments

  1. Dr. Renee
    Posted November 8, 2007 at 11:45 am | Permalink

    And just what, pray tell, is that string bikini supposed to be hiding? How nauseating! You know, the Hindenburg exploded in a firey conflagration. Could that happen to the Hoover woman? Spontaneous combuttion. groan.

  2. Kiki
    Posted November 8, 2007 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

    Is that picture even real? How freaky!

  3. Gina
    Posted November 8, 2007 at 3:49 pm | Permalink

    What’s that, Kiki? That they make string bikinis in that size?

  4. Dixie
    Posted November 8, 2007 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    That is the nastiest thing I have ever seen!!! The confidence of some women. UGH!

  5. Posted November 8, 2007 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

    It is polite to ask for permission before posting someone’s photograph. I don’t remember you asking for mine.

    That bikini just goes to show that just because they make it in your size doesn’t mean you should buy it!

  6. Teensy
    Posted November 8, 2007 at 6:36 pm | Permalink

    Snicker butt. Good one Jen!


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