ap….A Hoover woman was hospitalized when her ass ballooned to the size of the Hindenburg after she apparently ingested too much Halloween candy.
“I just had 27 of the fun size Snickers,” she tearfully told reporters from her hospital bed. “And I know I picked out all of the Butterfingers and the 3 Musketeers and the Milky Ways and the Kit Kats and the Almond Joys and the tootsie rolls, but I swear I didn’t eat anything else! Well, ok, I did eat a few of the Reese’s cups and some tootsie pops, but not many.”
Doctors at UAB Medical Center say this condition is all too common after Halloween. “What happens,” said one expert, “is the victim picks one candy bar and eats it, reasoning it is small, so it can’t have a lot of calories. While technically true, the problem begins when the victim eats ALL of the candy bars. Those calories have to go somewhere, so they are displaced to the ass, which then begins to swell. Although there’s no official name for this syndrome, we like to call it ‘Snicker’s Butt’.”
While there is no cure, the patient is usually admitted to the hospital for intensive detoxification. She is placed on a severely restricted diet and is allowed to eat nothing but boiled eggs and wheat germ until the gluteal edema is reduced.
Behaviorialists are experimenting with a new aversion therapy, in which the boiled eggs are packaged as snickers bars. The theory is the patient will come to associate the taste of boiled eggs with Snickers, thereby interrupting the neural transmitters for chocolate/peanut cravings. The patient is also shown graphic footage of people literally exploding after bingeing on Fun Size candy bars.
“I never thought it could happen to me,” the Hoover woman told reporters. “Next Halloween, I am handing out sugar free granola bars. If I can prevent this from happening to one person…”