It’s a thought which has kept me awake many a long night. You know how raw carrots are; you chew and chew and chew but they fragment and it’s hard to keep up with all the little pieces. Pretty soon, you are coughing your head off, spraying carrot chunks on everybody. I don’t see why people insist on putting out raw veggies for appetizers. Between the e-coli and the choking risk, they’re just too dangerous. The FDA needs to put a warning label on every package of baby carrots.
Tonight I was at a party and after eating multiple, large helpings of pasta drenched in oil, after munching my way through many baby quiches, and after consuming more hummus than is really good for anyone, I reached for a carrot. I’m not sure how eating a carrot would nullify the other calories, but it seemed like a good idea. And these carrots were actual carrot sticks, the kind people used to make before baby carrots were invented.
Personally, I find a carrot stick more approachable than a baby carrot. Carrot sticks are thin and easy to bite through. Baby carrots require more of a gnawing action which is not always appropriate in mixed company. I was pleased to see someone taking the trouble to return to the carrot sticks of our youth.
I took a couple of crunchy bites and savored the carrot taste for a moment, although in the back of my mind I was thinking about eating more pasta. I guess it’s because I was distracted, or maybe my thesis is correct and it is the essential nature of carrots to choke people. Perhaps it’s a Darwinian survival mechanism, evolved over the centuries by the carrots to deter people from eating them. Whatever the case may be, I choked.
The fragments of carrot worked their way to the back of my throat and crept up my windpipe, depriving me of air. I started coughing, but discreetly, because I would rather choke to death honorably than be known as THAT CHICK WHO SPEWED CARROTS OUT HER NOSE AT TOM’S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
The discreet coughing wasn’t getting the job done, so I moved into the bathroom to hork up the carrot more discreetly. The problem I was facing is a common one. I had just gotten over a bad cold and there was an excess of mucal matter in the back of my throat. The carrots were trapped in the snot and they were comfy. They had no intention of being dislodged just because I couldn’t breathe.
I coughed and gasped for a few minutes, and they finally loosened up a little. I walked out of the bathroom and got a bottle of water. I know you’re not supposed to drink when you’re choking, but it seemed like a logical action to wash the carrots down my throat. Within a few minutes, I was feeling better.
But now I am obssessed. What if some carrots pieces are still stuck in the mucal matter? What if, even as I write this, they are creeping up to my brain? Stranger things have happened. I read the Enquirer, so I know! What if the carrots pierce my brain and cause an aneurysm?? What if I become a VEGETABLE????
Right about now, you’re probably wondering why I have written this post at 1:00 a.m (12:00 with DST!). I’m wondering that myself. The carrots must already be in place, affecting my judgement, waiting for the perfect moment to infiltrate my medulla oblongata and end it all. Then again, I am probably just completely exhausted and I need to go to bed! But the moral of my story is do not put out vegetable trays for your guests. Or if you do, make sure your homeowner’s insurance is paid up!