What If I Choke on a Carrot and Die?

It’s a thought which has kept me awake many a long night.  You know how raw carrots are; you chew and chew and chew but they fragment and it’s hard to keep up with all the little pieces.  Pretty soon, you are coughing your head off, spraying carrot chunks on everybody.  I don’t see why people insist on putting out raw veggies for appetizers.  Between the e-coli and the choking risk, they’re just too dangerous.  The FDA needs to put a warning label on every package of baby carrots.

Tonight I was at a party and after eating multiple, large helpings of pasta drenched in oil, after munching my way through many baby quiches, and after consuming more hummus than is really good for anyone, I reached for a carrot.  I’m not sure how eating a carrot would nullify the other calories, but it seemed like a good idea.  And these carrots were actual carrot sticks, the kind people used to make before baby carrots were invented. 

Personally, I find a carrot stick more approachable than a baby carrot.  Carrot sticks are thin and easy to bite through.  Baby carrots require more of a gnawing action which is not always appropriate in mixed company.  I was pleased to see someone taking the trouble to return to the carrot sticks of our youth.

I took a couple of crunchy bites and savored the carrot taste for a moment, although in the back of my mind I was thinking about eating more pasta.  I guess it’s because I was distracted, or maybe my thesis is correct and it is the essential nature of carrots to choke people.  Perhaps it’s a Darwinian survival mechanism, evolved over the centuries by the carrots to deter people from eating them.  Whatever the case may be, I choked.

The fragments of carrot worked their way to the back of my throat and crept up my windpipe, depriving me of air.  I started coughing, but discreetly, because I would rather choke to death honorably than be known as THAT CHICK WHO SPEWED CARROTS OUT HER NOSE AT TOM’S BIRTHDAY PARTY. 

The discreet coughing wasn’t getting the job done, so I moved into the bathroom to hork up the carrot more discreetly.  The problem I was facing is a common one.  I had just gotten over a bad cold and there was an excess of mucal matter in the back of my throat.  The carrots were trapped in the snot and they were comfy.  They had no intention of being dislodged just because I couldn’t breathe. 

I coughed and gasped for a few minutes, and they finally loosened up a little.  I walked out of the bathroom and got a bottle of water.  I know you’re not supposed to drink when you’re choking, but it seemed like a logical action to wash the carrots down my throat.  Within a few minutes, I was feeling better.

But now I am obssessed.  What if some carrots pieces are still stuck in the mucal matter?  What if, even as I write this, they are creeping up to my brain?  Stranger things have happened.  I read the Enquirer, so I know!  What if the carrots pierce my brain and cause an aneurysm??  What if I become a VEGETABLE????

Right about now, you’re probably wondering why I have written this post at 1:00 a.m (12:00 with DST!).  I’m wondering that myself.  The carrots must already be in place, affecting my judgement, waiting for the perfect moment to infiltrate my medulla oblongata and end it all.  Then again, I am probably just completely exhausted and I need to go to bed!  But the moral of my story is do not put out vegetable trays for your guests.  Or if you do, make sure your homeowner’s insurance is paid up!   

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15 Comments

  1. Posted November 4, 2007 at 8:02 am | Permalink

    It’s 8:01am Sunday morning and I’ve already been grossed out. I’ll think of your carrots bits for the rest of the day now. Thanks so much.

    But I am glad you didn’t choke! As I’m sure Tom is, too!

  2. Mojo
    Posted November 4, 2007 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

    Oh, that’s real smart. Go to the powder room ALONE where you can proceed to choke PRIVATELY to DEATH on those bits of carrot lodged in your throat. Then you would be forever be known as THAT CHICK WHO CHOKED ON CARROTS AT TOM’S BIRTHDAY PARTY AND DIED ALONE IN THE JOHN.

    Back in the day when I worked for the American Red Cross, we were always taught in our required annual CPR classes that fools who are choking or suffering from chest pains often excuse themselves to the bathroom to avoid embarrassment. At the time, I thought, “Surely NOT!”

    Alas, you have proven it is TRUE!

    HELLO?! What were you thinking?! 🙂

  3. Renee
    Posted November 4, 2007 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    I’m with Mojo. I think the smart thing to do would have been to amuse the guests by spewing carrot bits in front of everyone. “Annie, Annie, are you OK?”

    Personally, I hate the celery sticks with their strings that get caught between your teeth and must be manually dislodged. Flossing with celery!

  4. dailydiatribes
    Posted November 4, 2007 at 2:17 pm | Permalink

    Well, I’m still alive, ok??? It was only a few carrot bits!! Altho I think they might still be there.

  5. Posted November 4, 2007 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    Well, okay, those orange rays around the people do look a little like carrot sticks. I see your point. We’ll be on the lookout for pod-like behavior.

  6. Teensy
    Posted November 4, 2007 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

    Hey, didn’t I teach you any better!!! That’s exactly what people do! They start to choke, are embarrassed, and run to the bathroom, then die!!! That’s why you run after them. Silly woman!!! Sorry we missed the party now, I would have run after you!!!!! You are right Mojo!

  7. Kiirah2008
    Posted November 4, 2007 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    Hey aunt jenn,
    Now don’t laugh but I have the heimlich maneuver done on me twice. both times i choked on a chicken sandwich. I just love my sandwiches, lol. the last time was the grosses. i threw up all over my friends dinner table, her mom was the one that did the heimlich on me. i felt so stuid afterwards. just wanted to share that with you,lol
    -Love ya, Kii

  8. Kiki
    Posted November 4, 2007 at 7:34 pm | Permalink

    I was at Dairy Queen this summer with my kids when a guy who was with his kids started to choke. He jumped up and started running around, but know one knew he was choking! By the time I realized it, he was at the counter pointing at his neck and a worker grabbed him in the back of the store and managed to dislodge whatever was stuck. He was probably turning pretty purple by then! Honestly, I don’t even think his kids realized he was choking–I mean, if you’re truly choking, you really can’t talk–no airway! You just look kind of “dumb” in the true sense of the word, I guess. So, I have to concur with Mokjo and Teensy–going into the bathroom to choke in private–stupid. Especially when you pass out, fall and hit your head and block the doorway with your lifeless body!

  9. Gina
    Posted November 5, 2007 at 6:57 am | Permalink

    She wasn’t worried about choking alone in Tom’s bathroom because she takes the chance of dying a slow and lonely death every time she closes the door to her guest bathroom. Remember, Kiki? It’s like playing Russian roulette. You never know if that door will open back up. And during a party you can bang and yell and nobody will ever hear you.

  10. Kiki
    Posted November 5, 2007 at 7:47 am | Permalink

    You are so right, Gina–that “powder room” is a dangerous one–many a times I’ve reached for the knob and felt–nothing–my heart races, and fear takes over, I ask myself, “can I get out of here?” However, it feels like home–I am very familiar with a lot of stuff people would never notice in that bathroom…I’ve spent more time in their than I’d like to admit!

  11. merediff
    Posted November 5, 2007 at 10:54 am | Permalink

    the bathroom is a hazard. maybe you should look into relocating it.

    however, i didn’t hear you coughing up a lung at the party. you weren’t in top form saturday night! i was so hoping you would be!

    but i am glad i got to see you.

  12. Teensy
    Posted November 5, 2007 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

    Mojo, it reminds me of your bathroom tale. Made me giggle again just remembering it. ; )

  13. Mojo
    Posted November 5, 2007 at 11:43 pm | Permalink

    Yes, Teensy, even choking to death alone in Tom and Karen’s powder room pales by comparison!

    Thanks for reminding me! 🙂

  14. Bubbacus Maximus
    Posted November 8, 2007 at 8:50 am | Permalink

    You were never concerned about projectile vomiting at the dinner table when you were a child!

  15. Gina
    Posted November 8, 2007 at 9:24 am | Permalink

    Or throwing peas and carrots behind the buffet while no one was looking, huh Bubba? 😉


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