There are many things in the world that should never be changed. I believe the Coca-Cola brouhaha of the 1980’s should serve as a lesson to us all: some things stand above change. Unfortunately, human beings seldom learn from their mistakes.
Recently, I used Tootsie rolls as an example of the perfect candy. They’re chocolate, they’re chewy, but not so chewy that they pull your fillings out of your mouth. They are perfect in every way. Yet the manufacturer persists in making obscene “flavored” tootsie rolls. Who wants to eat a raspberry tootsie roll or a vanilla tootsie roll (shut up Gina!!)? Vanilla and tootsie roll don’t even sound right together. Tootsie rolls are a chocolate food and to add any other flavoring is a sin against mankind.
In recent weeks, I have discovered other abominations I would like to share here in this space. Certain candies that were minding their own business, sating the masses with their chocolaty goodness, only to be tampered with by management idiots who have no moral or ethical code when it comes to their product. Truly, the world is on the cusp of disaster. If you didn’t believe the end times were upon us before, you will now!
Let me start with a current offering at Publix and other fine retailers: Raspberry M & M’s. In the commandments handed down by God to Moses, it very clearly stated that M&M’s would only be offered in two flavors: plain and peanut. Any other flavor is the work of Satan and should be rejected as sinful. I know raspberry and chocolate can be good together, but not in an M&M. The addition of raspberry flavoring might even impede the “melts in your mouth, not in your hand” action for which the candy is famous. Let’s not mess with things that make sense, ok? You can have your raspberry chocolate cheesecake or ice cream, but when it comes to M&M’s, plain or peanut is all that is needed.
My next candy is the Three Musketeers. Who doesn’t love a Three Musketeers? Soft, pillowy nougat cushioned inside a layer of milk chocolate is about as close to heaven as one can get. Plus, it has less fat and calories than your average candy bar. In short, it is a perfect food. So why mess with it?
Well, a few weeks ago, the “mint” Three Musketeers was introduced. Don’t be fooled by it, because it is a total rip-off. The manufacturer’s have simply taken a York Peppermint Patty and folded it up into a candy bar. There is no delicious nougat involved; it’s all peppermint. Why?????? Why????? Help me understand why someone would try to fool humanity in this way?
And then, because that wasn’t enough for those people, they took it a step further and offered Three Musketeers in MULTIPLE flavors!! The original flavor was absolutely fine; we didn’t need additional flavors!! Nonetheless, while out shopping with Teensy, I discovered a bag of miniature Three Musketeers in three different flavors: strawberry; french vanilla; and mocha cappucino. F***ers!!! A**H***s!!!! (Like that Mojo???)
This is how clever those people are; they knew I would have to buy a bag. I would have to find out for myself just how badly they had tampered with perfection. We tried the strawberry first. I took a bite and winced; the filling was pepto bismol pink and the flavor was sugary sweet, over the top, strawberry. I passed it off to Teensy, who deemed it “ok”. Next we tried the French Vanilla; it tasted a little like a Russell Stover cream filled candy, but not enough to make me want to eat more than one. I passed it off to Teensy and she decided she liked the strawberry better.
Then came the mocha cappucino. Now as you all know, I despise coffee and coffee flavoring, so Teensy was alone in this one. She unwrapped it, took a bite, then rolled down the window and threw out the rest of it. In other words, the mocha cappucino was deemed unacceptable. I poured the rest of the bag into a bowl when I got home, figuring someone would be stupid enough to eat them. Like maybe the dog.
Instead, my son grabbed one and came bouncing into my bedroom, where I was watching TV. He threw himself on the bed, unwrapped the candy and popped it into his mouth before I could warn him. A look of horror crossed his face as his tastedbuds registered that this was not a regular Three Musketeers. “Oh MY GOD MOM, What is THIS?” he asked thickly, his eyes tearing up.
I looked at the wrapper and said casually “I think you got a mocha cappucino.”
“What are you trying to do,” he screamed, clawing at his throat, “KILL ME????” He ran from the room, presumably to spit out the dregs. Like I said, it’s not particularly tasty. So the lesson we can take away is Three Musketeers comes in one flavor and anything else is idolatry and not to be tolerated. “Thou shalt have no other flavors before my nougat, or else thou shalt choke upon the foul coffee flavor and die.” So it is written.
Now, I have saved the best for last. This concept is so wrong-headed, so vile that it defies description. It’s painful for me to contemplate, but I will put it here so you will know it exists. Then it can be avoided and possibly even stamped out of existence.
I was at the Wal-Green’s with Gina and she had a $5.00 gift card, that really turned out to be a $3.00 gift card. At the time, however, she didn’t know that, and she was trying to spend exactly $5.00, because that is the sort of person she is. We were in the back, searching the clearance merchandise, and she had already gotten a box of flavored cookie straws and some Werther’s chewy caramels, when we saw it. It was, on the end cap, a product too dreadful to bear. We stared in horror and amazement, feeling our gorge rise, hands curling into claws, ready to tear our hair. In honor of Elvis Pressley (did I come close on the spelling????) Reese’s has introduced a….get ready for it….never mind, you can’t get ready for it…..A CHOCOLATE BANANA PEANUT BUTTER CUP!!!!
Tell me the world isn’t about to end right now, because that’s a sign of Armageddon if you ask me! In my opinion, the King himself would be disgusted!! After all, there’s a HUGE difference between fried peanut butter banana sandwiches and a CHOCOLATE BANANA REESE’S CUP!!!
Take a trip back in time with me, to the golden days of TV. It’s a classic commercial, one I’m sure you all remember. A dude is bopping down the street, munching a chocolate bar. A second dude is bopping down the street from the other direction, eating peanut butter from a jar. They collide and a star is born! Chocolate and peanut butter are great together! But there was no THIRD PERSON WITH A BANANA!!!! There is no classic line where the third dude says “you got your chocolate and peanut butter on my banana!!!!!” Because, quite simply, a peanut butter banana chocolate candy would be wrong in any universe!!!
Reese’s has occasionally deviated from its original concept with some success, but they stuck pretty faithfully to the peanut butter/chocolate recipe. The addition of some nuts, or a candy coating is really negligible in the great scheme of things. The Reese’s mega cup actually improved perfection by layering the peanut butter even higher and coating it with more chocolate! But to add a banana flavor is to stray far from the acceptable. If I wanted a banana, I would eat a freakin’ banana!! Don’t try to hide it in my Reese’s cup!!! Bastards!
So my thesis for today is classic candy is classic for a reason! If you want to make a foul, peanut butter banana cup, then give it a diffferent name and different packaging. If you must add coffee flavoring to the Three Musketeers, call it the Four Musketeers and leave the original three alone! And sell it to the communists because we don’t want it here in America!!