Blogging Cause I Have To!!….PG 13 blog

I have nothing to say!  Nothing at all!!  I’ve started a couple of pieces this week and they taper off into nothingness.  I am not funny.  My life is meaningless.  I need to learn to say no.

On Sunday, I was in charge of the church Halloween carnival.  It was miserable.  The inflatables arrived on time and then they wouldn’t fit through the door.  The person in charge of the facilities wouldn’t help me.  I wanted to hurt him a lot and possibly inflict great damage upon his male parts, but I didn’t.  I got my husband to help me instead, even though he does not get paid to do anything around the church.  The carnival was a smashing success and I smashed nobody.

On Monday, I started preparing my house for a multi-level girl scout meeting, an event only I am stupid enough to host.  I persuaded my dearest Teensy to help me transform the basement into the nature trail to Hell.  I love Teensy.  She loves me.  We both love Halloween.  It’s a good fit.

We began the transformation by cutting up 200 black garbage bags and hanging them from the ceiling.  I climbed up and down the ladder, duct taping them to the gas line.  Yes, that’s right, we were going to gas the Brownies at the end of the trail.  “WE TOLD YOU NOT TO VENTURE INTO THE DARK”!!!!  Muahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Anyway, that night, in all my spare time, I had to go work the concession stand at a football game.  Within thirty minutes of my arrival, my knees were in agony.  It took me all night to figure out that my ladder clambering combined with the concrete floor of the concession stand was the cause of my agony.  Do they still make Anacin??

While in the concession stand, my phone rang.  It was the goddess and she was weeping most copiously.  “Moooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” she wailed, “I…I….I…wu…..wu……wuz…..wa…..wa…..wa….watching Hannah Montana…..and…..Sissy…..ch….ch…..ch….changed the ch….ch…..ch….channel….and I NEVER EVEN SAW THAT EPISODE!!!!!!”  Let me assure you readers that NO episode of Hannah Montana has gone unwatched in my house, so her story did not ring true, but I played along.

“Well, fine,” I said, “go watch it in my room.”

“I aaaaaaammmmmmmmm,” she wailed.  ‘Um, ok,’ I wondered, ‘then what exactly is the problem?’  I had nachos to serve and did not have time to talk to her so I hung up the phone.

Ten minutes later, it rang again.  “Mooooooooooom,” came my son’s voice, “Amy called me a butthead!!!”

‘Well,’ I thought to myself, ‘that’s  because you are a butthead,’ but I didn’t say it.  Instead, I said “Do you know where I am?” 

“Uh, no,” he said.

“I’m in the concession stand.”

“Well, what are you doing there?” he asked intelligently

“Working my BUTT off so you can be in the BAND,” I said rather loudly.  “Now will you leave me alone??” ‘you little butthead,’ I added under my breath.

“Oh, sorry,” he said.

After the phone calls, the zest went out of my evening.  Between the crippling arthritic pains in my knees and the fact that there were twenty of us milling around the concession stand, doing nothing, I decided it was time to leave.  So I headed home.

Got home, found out that John had been grounded to his room for calling Amy an a-hole.  I love that he is hanging out with all these older kids and expanding his vocabulary.  He was in trouble because Amy had called her daddy and not me and daddy was having none of it!  The fact that Amy is occasionally an a-hole and had, in fact, been pelting him with tiny plastic monster figures did not excuse him from shouting obscenities.  

“I’m not a hypocrite, son,” I told him.  “I have a potty mouth and I admit it.  But I’m 38 and you’re 14 and (say it with me y’all!!) AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER MY ROOF YOU WILL NOT CALL YOUR SISTER AN  A-HOLE!!!”  Even if she is one.  For punishment, he is banished from Facebook for a week, a fate worse than death for a 14 year old.

Tuesday, I spent all day with Teensy, continuing the basement transformation.  Gina came over and supervised for a little while. We got the bags hung up and then went shopping for more props.  I found a truly spectacular remote control rat (better watch out Renee…muahahaha) and a flying bat.  Only problem was, once I got them home, the rat didn’t work.  Fucker.

Wednesday dawned gray and gloomy.  I was starting to panic because we hadn’t done much to the basement at all.  The bags were up, but that was it.  My friend Cheryl showed up with a car full of props and we set to with a will.  By 2 p.m., the transformation was complete.  The basement was dark and eerie, filled with bats and spiders and skulls, and a really fabulous animatronic tree that added the perfect touch to the woods from Hell.

Best of all, my friend Mr. Green came over before the party and fixed the rat.  The door to the battery compartment was not tight enough, or something.  Mr. Green channeled his inner McGyver and jerry-rigged the rat with an empty DOTS box.  There are no words to express the bliss of having a furry little rat zoom around between people’s feet, his eyes glowing with the red demon fires of hell.  Truly spectacular!!

The girl scouts all came, the party was an enormous success and I have been proclaimed girl scout leader of the century!!  I led the girls through the basement over and over again, up and down the stairs, frequently with one of the smaller scouts on my hip.  And my knees still hurt. 

Yesterday I took the stuff down; it’s amazing to me that we spent three days putting it all up and it came down in less than an hour!!  That was all I did yesterday.  At least until the kids got home.  Then I took Amy to the eye doctor, left her there, drove to school to get the goddess from art lessons, drove back to the eye doctor to get Amy, drove the goddess to soccer, drove to Hacienda to meet the boys for dinner, drove home to get Amy’s soccer stuff, then drove her out to soccer practice, which wasn’t over until 8:45.  And my knees still hurt.

Today, I am catching up on all the laundry because I have to drive Amy to Pensacola for a stupid soccer tournament.  I won’t be back until late Sunday afternoon.  NOW do you see why I haven’t been blogging????  If you guessed it’s because my knees hurt, you would be right!!  Next week, we are going to earn the orthopedic surgery Try-It because I am getting bi-lateral knee replacements!  Or maybe I’ll just start drinking heavily!!  Stay tuned for tales from Pensacola!!

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16 Comments

  1. Rita
    Posted October 26, 2007 at 12:05 pm | Permalink

    That’s right. You are not funny. You are HILARIOUS!!! I’m sorry we missed the party. I’m sitting here with two things to do: carve a “scary funny face” into a pumpkin or make a cake from scratch. I’ll take the pumpkin! My handwriting looks like I write with my teeth — you can only imagine how artistic I am! I look forward to your thoughts on Pensacola.

  2. merediff
    Posted October 26, 2007 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    how dare you ban josh from facebook! how will he know if the girls think he’s cool now?!

  3. Kiki
    Posted October 26, 2007 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    I have been despondent everyday when I check your blog and find NOTHING new–don’t you know how dull my life is–when I’m not in the car driving my kids somewhere or taking my dad shopping at Wal mart? That’s why I had to start all this email trouble with a certain group at our church–and my poor father in law. Oh well. I feel better now! I hate it that you have to go to Pensecola. Bring booze for when you get back to the hotel–enjoy the piece and quiet of being with only one child and bring your I-pod so she can watch tv and you can ignore both your child and Hannah Montana or whatever crap she has to watch–wait that’s what she switched off on Anna–so what does Abby watch these days? There are a ton of fun Halloween programs on these days…or just sedate her with some Tylenol PM–Renee–I didn’t say that!

  4. Teensy
    Posted October 26, 2007 at 3:13 pm | Permalink

    What a blast I have had with the whole Halloween creation!!! Took all my crap over to the school for my kid’s Halloween/Fall Festival for tonight. I can’t get enough of it!!! Of course I’m in therapy now!! Oh course I was in therapy before, physical, not mental but I’m thinking that’s next!!! Jen come join me, we could get a 2 for one special!! Jen I will haunt with you anyday!!!! Next year we’ll just get sloshed first and we won’t feel any pain!!!! ; ) Be careful!

  5. Posted October 26, 2007 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    We are outside now as my husband, key word: husband, decorates the yard. I’ll do the inside stuff, the outside is his. But my hubby? LOVES HALLOWEEN. He would have so come over and handled all of the ladder climbing for you!!!! Now he wants me to move so that he can plug yet another light up something into this extension cord.

    If you see flames the next few days it’s probably us.

  6. Gina
    Posted October 26, 2007 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    Teensy, I think that was the problem with our decorating. No booze. I have decorated for many a fabulous Halloween party and they turned out fab. I was just not inspired with enough to drink… oh right, I had to work. Damn job. Nxt year we make the hubbies take care of the kids and we decorate after school… when we can drink!

  7. Gina
    Posted October 26, 2007 at 8:05 pm | Permalink

    Hehe. Fab twice in one sentence. Can you tell I’ve started my end of the week cocktails? ;
    )

  8. Teensy
    Posted October 26, 2007 at 9:30 pm | Permalink

    Gina, yes!!! Just got home from the Fall Festival at school. Reloaded the Halloween stuff yet again! This time the hubby was there to put it all back in the van. It can sit there until next year!!! But it was fun. One of Jordin’s friends even made two little girls cry. It was a success. Anyone else need stuff for a haunt? Still in the van and I’m not dead yet!!! Going back to my wine now!!!!!

  9. Kiki
    Posted October 27, 2007 at 12:16 pm | Permalink

    You guys crack me up–I have already thold the dear blogger; one day of Halloween is plenty for me! Growin up I was probably like those two little girl’s Jordin’s friend made cry–a scaredy cat! However, with liquor involved, I could be persuaded to particpate more actively–it sure helps with trick or treating!

  10. Mojo
    Posted October 27, 2007 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

    Has anyone noticed our blog’s author refrained from spelling-out ass hole, but spelled f****r in its entirety ? !

    Maybe it’s just me, but I find that to be hilarious. 🙂

    I love Jen. 🙂

  11. Kiki
    Posted October 27, 2007 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

    The child said a****le, while the blogger said f*****r. And I’m not spelling out either!

  12. Bubbacus Maximus
    Posted October 28, 2007 at 9:14 am | Permalink

    You moved and didn’t tell me. You also went to Pensacola, passed near the family home and didn’t stop by or call. Your vocabulary sucks! Clean it up. We’ll talk on Thanksgiving.

  13. Bubbacus Maximus
    Posted October 28, 2007 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    I meant you moved the “Diatribes” site without telling me. I assume you still live in the same place.

  14. Posted October 28, 2007 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    Okay, I have to ask. Did Josh say “a-hole”, or did he say “a**hole”?

  15. phooey
    Posted November 2, 2007 at 8:37 pm | Permalink

    you’re welcome Mrs. B*****r

  16. Gina
    Posted November 3, 2007 at 7:22 am | Permalink

    It’s too early for me to be here. I was trying to figure out what cuss word B******r was.


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