Tuesday was an extremely busy day for me. I can’t imagine doing everything I have to do and holding down a paying job as well. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get it all done. And with all my volunteer work, well you can imagine how little free time I have!!
I started out my day at a PTO meeting. I do so love meetings, especially the type where the agenda is discarded and everyone throws out topics, at will, for discussion. But I volunteered for that stupid Sunshine Position, so I had to go.
Upon entering the school, I was immediately subjected to the new security measures. Our school is piloting a new school security computer program and I have to admit, it’s pretty cool. All the doors to the school are locked, except for the door into the main office. Upon entering, you give your driver’s license to the secretary and she swipes it through a little swiper thingy on her computer. Your entire criminal history comes up and she knows right away if you are a pervert. But more on that in a minute.
The best part is the computer program then generates a sticky label with your name, your destination within the school and, as if that wasn’t enough, YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE PICTURE!!! Big enough for everybody to see the picture of you with one eye closed and your mouth open because you weren’t ready for the camera. Personally, mine looks a lot like Charles Manson’s mug shot, minus the scar. What it comes down to is I would much rather be labeled a pervert than have my driver’s license picture on display for everyone to see.
On the plus side, your weight doesn’t print out on the badge. Mine would certainly generate some comments, like “when was the last time you weighed 120 pounds…when you were ten???” Ok, so I fudge a little on my weight; is it a crime??? Are you going to call America’s Most Wanted and turn me in for fraud and misrepresentation?? One half of my body probably weighs 120, so it’s not strictly a lie. And besides, I bloat. A lot. And I retain water too. And I’m big-boned, so get off my case, alright??
Anyway, so I made it through the system, so evidently I am not a pervert. During the PTO meeting, the new system was discussed at great, exhaustive length, including the pervert issue. I became a little concerned about their pervert protocol. If the license is scanned and the person’s name is flagged as a known pervert, an e-mail alert goes out to all the principals and the School Resource Officer. That’s great, but what if none of them are by a computer? Then what happens? Is the secretary supposed to stall the pervert in the office until someone decides to log onto his or her computer and see the pervert alert? What happens if the pervert demands his/her tag so he/she can go stalking through the school to leer at the children, then what? Should the secretary start lobbing paper clips at him or her? Shooting rubber bands??
Obviously, they need to hire a security consultant, and I have just the firm for the job: the goddess and her friends, dubya and the czarina. Perverts and strangers are similar dangers and the goddess and company have already demonstrated their competence in dispatching strangers. It’s not much of a stretch to dispatch a pervert. So, for a brief moment during that Oh-So-Boring meeting, I considered offering up their services to lead the school administration through some Pervert Practice.
However, I kept my mouth shut, hard as that is for me. I was not at all sure my levity would be appreciated by the administration, proud as they were of their new technology. So I slumped in my seat, obliterating my id tag with my rolls of fat so no one could see the unflattering picture. And I am going to the driver’s license office to get a new picture, just as soon as I finish my Glamor Shots session!