If It Ain’t Delivery, It Ain’t Worth Eating!!!

I was in the Publix last night picking up a few things for my daughter’s Spanish project.  She was required to bring in an authentic spanish dish.  Not being an authentic spaniard, this caused me some concern, but I managed to come up with something on the ethnic foods aisle.

I was standing in the ten items or less line, praying no one would count and notice I had eleven items.  A gentleman got into line behind me, carrying a single frozen pizza.  I generously allowed him to go in front of me since I was in line illegally. But his frozen pizza got me thinking.

I have never tasted a good frozen pizza.  Ok, I admit to a strange fondness for the el-cheapo Jenos/Tostinos pizzas, but they don’t even really taste like pizza.  I’m not sure what they taste like.  However, I like them and they’re cheap, so I don’t think about it too hard.  I never speculate as to what the composition of the pepperoni nuggets on their pizzas might be.  It might be rat droppings dyed with red dye #48 for all I know, but they taste good, so why analyze it to death?  You can feed a family of five for $2.00 and have enough left over for chemotherapy when the children get cancer from all the preservatives.

Its the frozen pizzas attempting to pass themselves off as real pizza that bug me.  I have tried most of the varieties on the market and they all taste identical to me.  They taste like cardboard topped with synthetic cheese food.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a “gourmet” pizza, or a “brick oven” pizza, or a “self rising, cornmeal dusted, organic crust” pizza.  They all taste like sawdust shavings, topped with nylon.

The gentleman in front of me had a Digiorno pizza.  You all know their ad: “it’s not delivery, it’s Digiorno.”  Damn right it’s Digiorno.  Let’s examine the differences. 

Delivery means I call the pizza place from my couch, in my pajamas, while watching a Sponge Bob marathon and place my order.  The pizza place makes my pizza to my specifications then slips it, piping hot, into a special delivery pouch to keep it piping hot.  The pizza man then breaks all traffic rules, mowing down armadillos and senior citizens, to deliver the pizza to my door while it is still piping hot.  The only work I am required to do is pay him and then slip the pizza onto paper plates.  We then retreat back to the couch to slurp up the greasy, cheesy goodness without having missed a single second of Gary the Snail’s antics.

Now let’s look at Digiorno.  I have to go to the grocery store to purchase it, necessitating a change out of my pajamas.  Remember, “it’s not delivery”!!  I have to bring it home and heat up the oven.  Then I have to decide whether to place the pizza directly on the rack for a crisper crust or to place it on a cookie sheet for a softer crust.  If I opt for softer, I have to search for something to hold the pizza.  You can’t actually put it on a cookie sheet, because cookie sheets are rectangular and pizzas are round.  Even a toddler knows this.  The sides of the pizza flop over the cookie sheet, and as the cheese melts, it drips down the sides of sheet and onto the bottom of the oven, resulting in a mess I have to clean up later, or, worst case scenario, an oven fire.

If I opt for placing it directly on the rack, a new set of problems ensues.  The toppings still drip down onto the heating element.  Sometimes they catch on fire.  I am notorious for oven fires, so I am a pro at putting them out, but still, cajun pizza gets old after awhile.  Putting the pizza in is not a problem; it’s great when the pizza is frozen, because that sucker slides right in!  But getting it out is a different story.  You see, I don’t have one of those cool, long handled pizza removal things the delivery place has.  All I have is a lousy spatula.  It’s not long enough to go underneath.  It’s not wide enough to support the pizza.  Two spatulas does not work any better.  Invariably, as I try to slide the pizza out,  I drop part of it on the oven door.   Then I am cussing and trying to scoop up boiling hot cheese to get it back on the pizza so we will have more to eat than just cardboard crust.

Now really, which one makes more sense?  Frozen pizzas are ridiculously over-priced.  If I’m going to pay $7.99 for the Digiorno brick oven style, self-rising, deluxe pizza, I might as well pay $11.99 for a Papa Johns large, six cheese, Tuscan style pizza.  With delivery, there is no oven fire, no third degree burns and no oven cleaning marathon afterward.  There is just pizza, the way God intended it to be.  So you can keep your Tombstone and your Digiorno’s, but I am calling Dominos!



  1. Kiki
    Posted October 12, 2007 at 11:46 am | Permalink

    Okay–first off, I think Spanish should be capitalized.

    We eat DiGiorno and it is better than most frozen pizza. No, it is not easily confused with any kind of delivery pizza. And its $5 for the rising crust at the WalMart! The kids like it and I never have a problem with the toppings or cheese dripping off–anyway, I am more likely to overcook and burn it.

    And compared to Pizza Hut, Domino’s or Papa Johns, I would prefer and frozen California Pizza Kitchen, Margharita Style pizza anyday. Delicious, and much better than the cheap cheese those delivery places use. I like Salvatore’s or Mellow Mushroom better anyway, and they are much pricier, but well worth it! You definitly get what you pay for!

  2. Gina
    Posted October 12, 2007 at 6:17 pm | Permalink

    I’ve never had a problem getting the pizza out of the oven. Only you. You see, my dear, that’s what they give you the round piece of cardboard for. It slips easily back under the pizza and then there’s no need to worry. Personally I like the 3 for $9 super spicy thin crust pepperoni ones from Costco.

  3. Posted October 13, 2007 at 6:22 am | Permalink

    Is there a law that say’s you can’t wear pajamas in Publix? These damned lawmakers have gotta’ go if there is. They made it illegal to buy marital aids in Alabama and now it has come to this?

    I own 3 pizza pans that prevent oven fires and a dozen or more hot pads to handle, guess what…hot pizza pans among other things. That comes from being filthy rich, I guess.

    I put additional toppings on frozen pizzas…..whatever’s handy that I think might taste good on a pizza. I’ve discovered that fresh tomato slices, sliced fresh okra, onion slices, and sliced leftover baked potato all make great toppings as well as slices of my homemade Mexican style jalapeño peppers. Just use a bit of imagination and be adventurous.

  4. dailydiatribes
    Posted October 13, 2007 at 7:00 am | Permalink

    Somehow you all missed the point. I HATE FROZEN PIZZA!!!

  5. Bandaide Lady
    Posted October 13, 2007 at 8:14 am | Permalink

    Okra?????? Orka slime and cheese grease, YUM!

  6. Kiki
    Posted October 13, 2007 at 11:28 am | Permalink

    You hate frozen pizza ’cause you never had a good one, and you’re a klutz. But it’s okay, because we all still love you! We are all defending frozen pizza, because it is truly cheaper than delivery pizza and often much better! Pizza Hut cheese makes me pukey!

  7. dailydiatribes
    Posted October 13, 2007 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    Bandaid lady….sounds like a “snot” pizza to me!!! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Dr. Renee
    Posted October 13, 2007 at 1:03 pm | Permalink

    I’m going to have to side with Jennifer on this one. I haven’t met a frozen pizza that I like, except California Kitchen Pizza. I refuse to pay that much for a frozen pizza, however. Best pizza at a sit-down place? Tortuga’s by a mile!!!!!

  9. Kiki
    Posted October 13, 2007 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    Oh I forgot about Tortuga’s–they’re pretty good, too, but still nothing beats Salvatore’s for a real authentic New York pizza. New York is the only place to get “real” pizza! And Cosmo’s in 5 Points is pretty good too.

  10. merediff
    Posted October 13, 2007 at 10:35 pm | Permalink

    i just purchased 4 pizzas for $10.tombstone?
    at kroger up in here athens, GA.
    they tasted like heaven…
    of course an apartment+ full of boys will eat them.
    so quality is not ALWAYS best.

  11. Nancy S
    Posted October 14, 2007 at 8:23 pm | Permalink

    I am not paying that much money (DiGiorno or Ca Pizza Kitchen) for frozen pizza, so I’ve never tried them. But, the best pizza I’ve ever had was deep dish pizza from Giordano’s (sp?) in Chicago. The other is deep dish pizza from Pizzaria Uno in Dallas. There’s no comparison between them and what they call deep dish pizza here. However, I do like Mellow Mushroom. It doesn’t cost much more than Dominos, and it’s so much better. But to get it, you have to get dressed and leave the house – no, Don, you can’t wear pajamas to Mellow Mushroom, they don’t have a drive thru.

  12. Lucy
    Posted October 14, 2007 at 8:31 pm | Permalink

    I don’t care what the pizza tastes like. Pizza night translates into “Mom doesn’t want to cook” night. Anything I don’t have to cook tastes just FINE. I don’t care what number I dial, just as long as it doesn’t take too long to get here.

  13. Mojo
    Posted October 16, 2007 at 11:32 pm | Permalink

    “She was required to bring in an authentic spanish dish.”

    Upon reading that, I thought surely you were going to blog about picking up Jose at Hacienda…you know, the cute Mexican you’ve remarked about before. 😉

    Then I realized it was merely a blog about pizza.

  14. Posted October 18, 2007 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

    Salvatore’s and Tortuga’s are both yummy! Tortuga’s will half-bake your pizza if you want to finish it off at home and have really hot pizza. I’ve never tried that option, but it sounds like a good idea.

  15. Gina
    Posted November 1, 2007 at 5:19 pm | Permalink

    And now we have to worry about e-coli in our frozen pizza!http://www.dailypress.com/business/dp-now-recallpizza.1101,0,5895994.story

  16. Kiki
    Posted November 1, 2007 at 5:25 pm | Permalink

    Eeewww–I don’t like Totino’s or jeno’s anyway–we’re safe!

  17. Gina
    Posted November 1, 2007 at 5:25 pm | Permalink

    Try again, not sure how I missed that space

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