There are so many childhood rituals that have been tampered with or have just disappeared altogether. Kids can’t play outside anymore thanks to CNN, because we’re afraid they’ll be abducted by gypsies. Thanks to Disney and Nickelodeon, the Saturday morning cartoon is a thing of the past. Why would you plan your whole weekend around cartoon viewing when cartoons are available 24/7 on a number of different channels? So for the love of all that is holy, can we leave Halloween alone??
I don’t know about you, but I started planning for Halloween months in advance. The costume was always homemade. There was never any question of buying a costume; who wanted to dress up in a cheap rayon outfit when your mother’s closet and makeup bag held such an endless array of costume ideas? Black eyeliner, white pancake make-up and a little imagination were all it took to transform one into a spectacle frightening beyond belief.
I have to admit, I’ve conceded that one. Fine, I’ll go to Party City or Wal-Mart and fork over the cash for the shiny rayon outfit. I did homemade costumes for a number of years, but now I am old and tired. It’s a good day if I make Hamburger Helper for dinner, so don’t expect me to whip up Cinderella’s ball gown with some empty toilet paper tubes and glitter. It just isn’t in me anymore.
But I absolutely refuse to succumb to the recent, politically correct, right wing, conservative, granola munching, liberal mania of handing out anything other than candy for Halloween. Because it’s like this: you go trick or treating to get free candy. That’s the entire point of Halloween and it’s what makes it vastly superior to every other holiday. One day a year you get to dress up and go outside and knock on doors and beg people for candy. And they give it to you! There are no massive credit card bills to face on November 1st and no long lines to return unwanted candy. Just sick tummies and the possibility of extensive dental work, which is all covered by insurance!
Today found Nancy and I wandering around the Wal-Green’s after our pilgrimage to Hacienda. I was ostensibly looking for shampoo, but I love Wal-Greens and can spend large sums of money there without even half trying. You can keep your bargains at Wal-Mart; I like to go to Wal-Greens because they have an entire aisle devoted to As Seen On TV items. But this is another blog.
Anyway, we hit the candy aisle and I witnessed a number of Halloween abominations. In my humble opinion, nothing short of candy is appropriate for Halloween. I, for one, never understood Trick or Treat for Unicef. I know there are poor people in the world and I know they need lots of things. But on October 31st, I am not interested in the poor. Jesus Christ Himself said “we will always have the poor, but trick or treating only comes once a year.” I am paraphrasing a bit there. There is no Unicef for me; I want Snickers and lots of them.
When my kids trick or treat, they do not want pencils. Keep your pencils and use them for kindling this winter. And do not hand out Bible verses. Obviously we are devil worshippers and are beyond redemption, because we are out on Satan’s night begging for candy. So the Bible verses will just get thrown in the trash, as will the apples. Not because we think there are razor blades in the apples, but because apples are a stupid thing to get on October 31st. We want peanut butter cups, not stupid apples.
At Wal-Green’s, it is possible to purchase tiny bags of Doritos in Halloween packaging. Well guess what? Doritos are another stupid thing to get on Halloween. Who rummages through little Johnny’s haul after the kid has passed out in a sugar coma and looks for Doritos? No one in his right mind!! You’re looking for the Milky Ways and the Three Musketeers. And you can keep the bags of pretzels and the packages of microwave popcorn too. Besides, if you give my kid popcorn, he might get popcorn lung and then I’ll have to sue you. We thought razor blades in the apples were bad; who knew the popcorn would get you too??
And as far as the tiny, wrapped granola bars, you can imagine how I feel about those! A granola bar on Halloween? Why not throw in some cans of green beans and some asparagus?! Even oreos are inappropriate in my humble opinion. Only the sugary, trans fat laden candy bars and chewy, teeth rotting taffy like things and Pixie Stix, lots of Pixie Stix will do!!!
The only candy exception to my candy rule is the black and orange wrapped peanut butter kisses. First of all, they are disgusting and suitable only for stopping up the cracks in the roof. Second, nothing says “I am too cheap to buy real candy!!!!” like those nasty things. I plan on collecting them this year and using them to pelt the squirrels who attack my bird feeder like senior citizens at the Golden Corral.
When you are shopping for Halloween this year, please bear in mind my advice and go for the miniature candy bars. Anything else will just get thrown in your garbage and I will post your name in my Blog of Shame so you can be taunted by all humanity! Buy the good candy!!