I just got home from a veeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrry long afternoon. The Hulk missed the bus, so had to rush and pick up him and also a friend of his that had also missed the bus. I rushed the friend home. Then I rushed him home and picked the diva up because I had to go to a Brownie parent meeting. At the meeting, I was verbally assaulted by a woman who disagreed with the financial requirements of Brownies. It’s always fun to be ripped apart when you are serving in a volunteer capacity.
From the tongue lashing, I rushed the diva over to soccer. Then we rushed off to a coffee shop for my book group meeting, which consists of me, Kiki and a rotating member. We had a nice discussion and then the diva and I headed for home. I called the Hulk as I was leaving the parking lot and he had actually put the goddess to bed for me. God is good!!
When we got home, I sat down at the computer and the diva went upstairs to take a shower. The Hulk was trying to show me his new facebook additions when the diva came screaming down the stairs.
“Oh my gosh, mom, I think there’s a mouse upstairs,” she said. “It went into the guest room and it was black and it ran over my foot.”
I was mildly disturbed by this news, having lived through a mouse infestation in our previous house. I told my son “Go see what it is,” not eager to confront it myself.
“No, I’m not going up there,” said my almost Eagle Scout.
“Go now,” I snapped, and I reluctantly got up to go see for myself. I figured it was probably a rogue dust bunny or some stuffed animal that one of the dogs had ripped apart. There was no way of knowing the horror that awaited me.
Our guest room has two doors that open out into the hallway, on either side. The goddess was slumbering on her couch and the hulk and the diva were crowded into that door. I walked down the hall to the other door, THANK GOD!! Because as the Hulk was saying “I don’t see it,” I saw it myself.
At first, I thought it was Chelsea, our black schnauzer, but it didn’t have a beard. Then I thought it might be Squirrel Nutkin, come back from Hell. It was neither, but it was definitely demonic in nature. It was, friends, the LARGEST ROACH I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!
“OH MY GOD,” I screamed, “there it is!!! KILL IT!!!!” It made a beeline for the couch and crawled under it. I moved away from the door and to a neutral zone in the middle of the hallway, so I could dart either way. My son, teenage boy that he is, started arguing with me. And all the while, the goddess slept on, unaware of the monster beneath her slumbering form.
“Mom, I don’t see it. And I need a shoe or something,” he said sensibly.
“Shoe my ass, you need a bazooka,” I told him. “Just get something and KILL IT!!!”
You may not know this about me, but I am extremely phobic about roaches. I can pretty much handle snakes and lizards, but the mere sight of a roach is enough to send me into a screaming frenzy.
I moved down the hall and into the Diva’s room and assessed the situation cooly. The light was on in the guest room and the goddess was waking up, possibly because of my screaming. So I hollered at her to get off the couch and come get in her sister’s bed. Her tousled golden head gleamed in the light and she looked at me in confusion.
“Run,” I screamed at her, “there’s a giant bug under the couch!!!!!” She just stared at me, not comprehending the horror!!
“Come and get in sissy’s bed now,” I snarled.
She got up and wandered toward me in a daze, not understanding the problem. I watched in horror, ready to jump on the bed if I saw the roach again. You don’t really think I would go and face the roach to get her out of the room do you? It’s every woman for herself in a hostile insect situation.
I got her settled in the bed and then I ran down the stairs and cowered in the kitchen. I could hear banging and cursing and I started reviewing the hotel options in the area. The phone rang, and it was my husband. “COME HOME NOW!!!” I yelled. “There’s a giant roach in the house!!!”
He was completely unsympathetic. I hung up and then I heard a victory yell; the Hulk had conquered the beast. He came down the stairs and I threw my arms around him in gratitude. He detailed how he had chased it with a shoe, it went behind a picture, he moved it and it crawled under the book jacket from Harry Potter 6. He then annihilated it with a high heeled flip flop.
I sighed with relief when his tale was done; now we would not have to move. To Siberia. Where there are no roaches, or any insects for that matter. I think my sleep tonight will still be uneasy as I relive the horror. And I am calling Mr. Bugg’s Pest Patrol the moment I wake up tomorrow!!!