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I just got home from a veeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrry long afternoon.  The Hulk missed the bus, so had to rush and pick up him and also a friend of his that had also missed the bus.  I rushed the friend home.  Then I rushed him home and picked the diva up because I had to go to a Brownie parent meeting.  At the meeting, I was verbally assaulted by a woman who disagreed with the financial requirements of Brownies.  It’s always fun to be ripped apart when you are serving in a volunteer capacity.

From the tongue lashing, I rushed the diva over to soccer.  Then we rushed off to a coffee shop for my book group meeting, which consists of me, Kiki and a rotating member.  We had a nice discussion and then the diva and I headed for home.  I called the Hulk as I was leaving the parking lot and he had actually put the goddess to bed for me.  God is good!!

When we got home, I sat down at the computer and the diva went upstairs to take a shower.  The Hulk was trying to show me his new facebook additions when the diva came screaming down the stairs. 

“Oh my gosh, mom, I think there’s a mouse upstairs,” she said.  “It went into the guest room and it was black and it ran over my foot.”

I was mildly disturbed by this news, having lived through a mouse infestation in our previous house.  I told my son  “Go see what it is,” not eager to confront it myself. 

“No, I’m not going up there,” said my almost Eagle Scout.

“Go now,” I snapped, and I reluctantly got up to go see for myself.  I figured it was probably a rogue dust bunny or some stuffed animal that one of the dogs had ripped apart.  There was no way of knowing the horror that awaited me.

Our guest room has two doors that open out into the hallway, on either side.  The goddess was slumbering on her couch and the hulk and the diva were crowded into that door.  I walked down the hall to the other door, THANK GOD!!  Because as the Hulk was saying “I don’t see it,” I saw it myself. 

At first, I thought it was Chelsea, our black schnauzer, but it didn’t have a beard.  Then I thought it might be Squirrel Nutkin, come back from Hell.  It was neither, but it was definitely demonic in nature.  It was, friends, the LARGEST ROACH I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!

“OH MY GOD,” I screamed, “there it is!!!   KILL IT!!!!”  It made a beeline for the couch and crawled under it.  I moved away from the door and to a neutral zone in the middle of the hallway, so I could dart either way.  My son, teenage boy that he is, started arguing with me.  And all the while, the goddess slept on, unaware of the monster beneath her slumbering form.

“Mom, I don’t see it.  And I need a shoe or something,” he said sensibly. 

“Shoe my ass, you need a bazooka,” I told him.  “Just get something and KILL IT!!!”

You  may not know this about me, but I am extremely phobic about roaches.  I can pretty much handle snakes and lizards, but the mere sight of a roach is enough to send me into a screaming frenzy. 

I moved down the hall and into the Diva’s room and assessed the situation cooly.  The light was on in the guest room and the goddess was waking up, possibly because of my screaming.  So I hollered at her to get off the couch and come get in her sister’s bed.  Her tousled golden head gleamed in the light and she looked at me in confusion.

“Run,” I screamed at her, “there’s a giant bug under the couch!!!!!”  She just stared at me, not comprehending the horror!! 

“Come and get in sissy’s bed now,” I snarled.

She got up and wandered toward me in a daze, not understanding the problem.  I watched in horror, ready to jump on the bed if I saw the roach again.  You don’t really think I would go and face the roach to get her out of the room do you?  It’s every woman for herself in a hostile insect situation. 

I got her settled in the bed and then I ran down the stairs and cowered in the kitchen.  I could hear banging and cursing and I started reviewing the hotel options in the area.  The phone rang, and it was my husband.  “COME HOME NOW!!!” I yelled.  “There’s a giant roach in the house!!!”

He was completely unsympathetic.  I hung up and then I heard a victory yell; the Hulk had conquered the beast.  He came down the stairs and I threw my arms around him in gratitude.  He detailed how he had chased it with a shoe, it went behind a picture, he moved it and it crawled under the book jacket from Harry Potter 6.  He then annihilated  it with a high heeled flip flop.  

I sighed with relief when his tale was done; now we would not have to move.  To Siberia.  Where there are no roaches, or any insects for that matter.  I think my sleep tonight will still be uneasy as I relive the horror.  And I am calling Mr. Bugg’s Pest Patrol the moment I wake up tomorrow!!!   

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14 Comments

  1. Teensy
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 5:04 am | Permalink

    Ahhhhhh!!! I feel the same way!!! Had an encounter with one in the shower when I was in college. I’m still going to therapy. Another time, my roommate and I went next door to our lovely guy neighbors to have them kill another one that had come to kill us all. Loved that apartment!! I feel your pain!!! Call me, I will comfort you! On another note, can’t wait to rejoin book group!! Let me know the selection!!
    Hey, tell that lovely lady next time, bite me!

  2. motherfant
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 8:05 am | Permalink

    Okay, what is huge??? I can deal with roaches much better than a mouse or snake. Why?? Who knows! I guess because reality is I can squash a roach but cannot those other creatures…UGH!

    And by the way, you handled yourself perfectly at the meeting!

  3. Kiki
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 10:22 am | Permalink

    Thank you, I hate roaches and I am so proud of Josh for dealing with it so well! I am laughing until I cry here! I hate using bug spray when you see one, because they crawl off somewhere to die, possibly crawling on you in the night–they deserve an instant death! That’s why I just use the spray can to smash them now! We had a recent experience with one that sounded very similiar with Daddy not home and the 5 of us shrieking and screaming as the gigantic thing flew around out living room and we all ducked! Team work–we got it!!!!!

  4. Renee
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 10:30 am | Permalink

    Don’t you just hate the crispy, crunchy sound they make when you smash them? Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.

  5. Posted September 6, 2007 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    Give Josh an Eliminator Merit Badge. Boy Scouts are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, brave, clean, and reverent. GIANT COCKROACK, R.I.P !

  6. Posted September 6, 2007 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    This time when you see this ugly mug I hope WordPress will tell who I really am.

  7. Nancy S
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

    What I want to know is, where is the corpse?

  8. Gina
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    Ooooh, Kiki, back when I was living in the hood, we had an attic apartment in an old house which was split into three units. Well, my roomie and I were in the only occupied apartment for about 3 months. We’d get roaches, y’know, the little German kind, call the Super and get them to come spray. Well, of course this only got rid of them for about a week until the smoke cleared, because they’d only spray our apartment. So the bugs would go downstairs into the vacant apartments and come back when it was safe. This went on for a while. Those damn things ate through everything. We went through three answering machines because they’d eat the wires! Not to mention the fact that any stamp or envelope in the house would have the sticky eaten off within hours. Ewwwww. Anyway, one day we saw this weird bug. Then we saw a few more. Turns out all the bug spray had mutated the roaches! They now all had matching pustulant tumor saddlebags on their bodies. *shivers and gags* So, um, yeah, stay away from the bug spray.

  9. Satan
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 7:23 pm | Permalink

    Sinceyou will not take backyour squirrel,I willinfestyour house with roaches. That is all.

    Have a nice day.

  10. Posted September 6, 2007 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    OMG! I am totally roach phobic, too! While going to college we had some really nasty neighbors who would, about every three months, fumigate their trailer (I said I was in college, OK???) and their critters – I can’t even say the word more than once in a comment- would come over to our place.

    Luckily I had a cat who would kill those bastards the minute they entered the premises. God, I loved that cat!

    And my neighbor told me she heard that I’d met you through my blog. She said your name so it took me a minute. Then I’m like, Oh, yeah, we’ve “met”. That makes the first time my blog has been outed. I’m strangely disturbed….

  11. dailydiatribes
    Posted September 6, 2007 at 8:19 pm | Permalink

    Wait until someone recognizes you in a Mexican restaurant from your blog picture!!!
    Your neighbor must be Millie…I love her!!

  12. Posted September 6, 2007 at 9:10 pm | Permalink

    We had a roach incident the other day — 14YOD came screaming out of her room b/c there was one on her window. She, of course, refuses to acknowledge that they like her room because it reminds them of a garbage dump.

    When I refused to kill the thing, she ran around the house screaming at the very tiptop of her lungs for 9YOD, thinking she would sucker the little sister into spraying it. 9YOD, meantime, hid out in our closet, and I tried very hard not to laugh and give away her location.

    The bug finally met its end, and we all got to inhale roach spray for a while. Ick!

  13. Andrea
    Posted September 8, 2007 at 8:06 am | Permalink

    Avoid the old Chevron on Rocky Ridge Road. Not only are they so old timey they have to double the price at the pump because it doesn’t go up high enough for today’s gas prices (needless to say Pay at the Pump is NOT an option), but when you go inside to pay and huge roach crawled across my foot. As I squealed like a little girl all the old timers that like to hang out there just laughed. Bastards!

  14. Kiki
    Posted September 8, 2007 at 9:42 pm | Permalink

    McDonald’s, Caldwell Mill and Valleydale Road. Roach crawling right on the counter as I ordered for and paid for my food. Not a big one either, one of the little, gross kind. eeewwwww…..but they’re there, whether you see them or not. But on the counter, right out in the open????!!!!!!


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