How I Know God Is a Woman

God is a woman.  Face it, if God was a man, we would all still be naked.  Because men like naked people.  Especially naked women.

I believe God is a woman and She created man one day because there was nothing better to do.  I imagine Her up in heaven, flipping channels.  Infinite number of cable stations and nothing to watch!  She’s already created the earth and all the animals and She is looking for something to jazz it up a little.  So She decides to create Man.  Perfect.  It’s like 24 hour comedy viewing, Adam running around in the garden of Eden with his doodads flopping around in the wind.   She laughs and laughs because it is good.

But Her enchantment quickly sours when she realizes how helpless man is.  He can’t take care of the animals.  He can barely take care of himself.  He doesn’t know how to feed himself or do anything for himself.  He wanders around in a daze, trying to figure out how to eat and where to sleep and where to hang all the pictures. 

God, realizing Her mistake, creates a woman, in Her own image, to go down and straighten out man.  Woman quickly sets things right in the Garden and Adam lounges around, scratching himself and trying to invent beer.  And they would still be in Paradise today had Adam gotten up off of his rear end and taken care of the snake problem like Eve asked him to do!   

Fast forward to the present and witness my idiot husband’s behavior last night.  Thursday nights are horrible and I informed him there would be no cooking occurring at our home.  The goddess has soccer at 5, Josh has to be at school at 6 and Abby has Soccer at 7.  All over town, of course.  And to top it off, I had to take Abby to the doctor yesterday because she had a 30 minute nosebleed at school.  I immediately diagnosed leukemia, but Renee chalked it up to a sinus infection.  (AND WE GOT AN ACTUAL ANTIBIOTIC!!!!!!)

Anyway, while I was sweating at the goddess’s soccer practice, I realized Abby was too sick to go to soccer, so I called Tim and asked him to make her some soup and a grilled cheese.   I was picking up McDonald’s for the goddess and I was sort of craving a Big Mac myself.  But Tim and Abby both hate Mickey D’s, so I figured he could make dinner for them.

I stopped at Publix to pick up Abby’s prescription and left her in the car.  When I came back out, she said “did you get cheese?”

“No, why?” I asked.

“Because Dad called and said there’s no cheese,” she said.

I snatched the phone and called him immediately.  “There is plenty of cheese,” I said when he answered.  “It’s in the top drawer in the refrigerator.”

“No it’s not,” he said.  “I looked.”

Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!  “How hard did you look?” I asked.  I heard the refrigerator door open and heard some rummaging sounds.  “Oh, well, here’s three pieces,” he said grudgingly.

“There is a brand new package in there,” I snarled. 

“Well, whatever, I don’t see any more cheese,” he said defensively.

I drove home, fury in my soul, because I knew damn good and well there was cheese in the refrigerator and he hadn’t looked for it.  We got home and I stomped upstairs.  He had cooked nothing.  No soup, no sandwich, NOTHING!!!

“I’m not hungry,” he said, when I politely screeched at him for not cooking.

“WELL ABBY IS!!!!” I roared.

I went to the refrigerator, flung open the door, and there sat the three pieces of cheese he had located.

“Good thing I’m not hungry,” he sneered, “since that’s not enough to make very many grilled cheese sandwiches.”

Ass.  I opened the drawer in the refrigerator, lifted a package of bologna, and there was the cheese, a brand new package of Kraft Single goodness.

“No cheese,” I shrieked.  “NO CHEESE!!  HERE IS THE CHEESE YOU GOON!!!!”

He shrugged.  “Guess I didn’t look hard enough.”  He reached past me into the refrigerator and snagged a container of cheese spread.  He got some crackers and said “I’m going downstairs to watch football,” leaving me to feed the kids.  Ass!!

I stayed in the kitchen, cooking for our sick child, as my Big Mac got cold and my fries congealed in their grease.  But because God is a woman and She looks out for Her own, the Green Bay Packer’s lost last night!  Guess he should have looked a little harder for the cheese!



  1. Satan
    Posted August 24, 2007 at 4:40 pm | Permalink

    You are correct that God created man….but I created woman.

  2. dailydiatribes
    Posted August 24, 2007 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

    Damn Satan, you read fast!!! I just published this!! And left myself wide open for that remark!!
    I was reading through a calendar today and noticed that January 21st is squirrel appreciation day!

  3. Posted August 24, 2007 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    Tim is lucky you didn’t hurt him.

  4. Renee
    Posted August 25, 2007 at 7:23 am | Permalink

    Classic Jennifer diatribe! Loved it!

  5. Teensy
    Posted August 25, 2007 at 8:02 am | Permalink

    Tim’s lucky. I would have hurt him. Putz!

  6. Kiki
    Posted August 25, 2007 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Ironic that the GBPs lost, being a bunch of “cheese heads,” huh?

  7. merediff
    Posted August 26, 2007 at 5:48 pm | Permalink

    you should have somehow unplugged the massive TV in the basement.

    OR unwrapped every piece of cheese, & individually placed them on a)the aforementioned TV, or b)your husband. or c)both, depending on how much cheese you had.

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