Mail Order Catalogs

I have never understood why people get irritated by junk mail.  For me, it’s the highlight of my day.  It’s hard to get excited about the Visa bill, but I have no trouble working up a full head of steam for the new Pottery Barn catalog.

The catalogs that come range from the staples, like Lillian Vernon to the extraordinary, like Neiman Marcus.  And there is a lot of other stuff in between.

Pottery Barn likes to send three catalogs.  I guess when you are raking in the big bucks for selling over-priced cottage furniture, you can afford to bulk mail.  I get Pottery Barn for Kids (over priced cottage furniture for the toddler set), Pottery Barn for Teens (over priced cottage furniture with a whorehouse flair for the adolescent set) and Pottery Barn (over-priced cottage furniture for Yuppies).  I page through the catalogs for ideas and then head to Target and pick up the same look for 1/4 of the price.  I hate paying more for name brand!

I get one called “What on Earth” which has a wide range of t-shirts with ludicrous sayings.  My favorite is “Stop talking voices or I’ll poke you with the q-tip again.”  I have tried that method and it actually works.  It’s how I have kept my children alive this summer; every time the voices instruct me to dismember the children, I just poke again.

Today I got a great catalog.  It is called “Lilly Pulitzer” and the front cover shows a woman lounging casually against a doorway, dressed in a print frock.  Opening the catalog reveals the print frock to be bargain priced at $248.  And it’s not available in plus sizes.  Just from the cover, I know this catalog wasn’t meant for me.  

Upon opening it, I surveyed the dresses available.  A lovely selection of dresses, all in the same price range.  Shoes ranging in price from $198 and up.  Corduroy blazers for $188.  I was doing ok with the women’s clothing.  We are strange creatures and are given to purchasing garments for far more than they are worth.  Well, ok, I’m not, but some women are, I guess.

Then I found the men’s clothing.  There, on page 12, was an extremely attractive…dare I say…hot…black man.  He is holding a lobster up in each hand and wears an expression of amused disbelief on his face.  He is also wearing the pants pictured below.  They are forest green and are decorated with paisleys. 



Now one thing I know about black men is they dress better than ANYONE else on the planet.  So let me tell you right now, no self respecting brother would be caught DEAD in a pair of green paisley pants.  I think the expression on his face is really saying “I can’t believe I have allowed myself to be photographed in a pair of pants that even RuPaul wouldn’t wear.”  I’ve seen golfers in better pants than these.  The best part is they are affordably priced at $195 per pair.  Gay men would not wear these pants.  Who wears these things?

I’ve never been to Palm Beach or Kennebunkport or Cape Cod, but I have a hard time believing guys there hang out in these pants.  Men are pretty much the same the world over and if they’re not in jeans or sweatpants, they are certainly not wearing these pants.  Again, I’m not sure your average gay guy would wear anything this gaudy.

It gets better.   I can’t get the picture to paste, but turn to page 17 and check out the outfit and behold the curly haired lad attired in the Devon Patchwork Sweater and the embroidered Phipps pants, in bright orange.  As far as I can tell, they are embroidered with little racing dogs or horses or wombats or something.  The sweater has large, bright yellow, green, orange and red squares on it.  The entire ensemble retails for around $695.  Add the Brazilian orange monkey around pocket square tied around the golden retriever’s neck and your cost goes up to $750.  I am planning on purchasing this outfit for Josh to wear the first day of school.  I hope the visiting hours in ICU are lenient. 

My favorite page is 24, which is titled “Social Butterfly”.  It shows a number of attractive people attired in Lilly Pulitzer style.  I know those of you who have attended any of my soiree’s will recognize the host’s outfit as one of Tim’s personal favorites.  The bright orange printed blazer (mizner paisley) teamed with khakis and loafers with no socks.  Again with the paisleys!!  Why not put a big “Do the world a favor and beat the shit out of me” sign on the back of the guy?  Just make sure it doesn’t clash with the paisley.

So my question is to whom is this company marketing itself?  Where does there exist a man who will fork over $595 for an orange paisley blazer and wear it to a cocktail party/reception/cock fight?  I want to know these people.  I want to hang out with them and learn their fashion secrets.  I want to exterminate them so they can no longer breed tiny paisley loving children.

So that was the mail today.  I can’t wait for tomorrow.  Who knows, maybe I’ll get a kinky dominatrix catalog!!



  1. Gina
    Posted August 8, 2007 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

    Have I ever told you about Karl and the Fashion Police story? If I haven’t, ask me the next time you see me. Anyway, they should have hired him for this photo shoot.

  2. Gina
    Posted August 8, 2007 at 7:03 pm | Permalink

    OMG! You were not kidding in the least. Here’s the link for anyone who wants to check out this season’s catalog

  3. Gina
    Posted August 8, 2007 at 7:09 pm | Permalink

    And here’s our well dressed lobster friend

  4. Kiki
    Posted August 9, 2007 at 6:57 am | Permalink

    Ahem…I will probably get in trouble for saying this, but have you ever met my father in law? He dresses like that. Or thinks he is dressing like that. I lovingly refer to his wardrobe as “clown wear.” Hideous. Teal shorts and green and pink madras shirts, plaid pants, etc. with unmatching orange polo shirt. Horrifyingly ugly. Nauseating, even. Enough said. I am introuble if any of my in laws ever look at this!

  5. Renee
    Posted August 9, 2007 at 11:21 am | Permalink

    I have only ever seen young girls and women wearing L Pulitzer, and only the young girls look half-way attractive in it! You’re right, Kiki, it’s clown wear. It’s hideous. If I ever wore that stuff, I’d have to wear sunglasses to shield my eyes from the glare. Never, ever have I seen a guy wearing this s***. I think the male wear is in the catalog just for the eye candy the models give to the women who peruse.

  6. Kiki
    Posted August 9, 2007 at 4:15 pm | Permalink

    Unfortunately, my father-in-law does not qualify as eye candy, either! Ugh!

  7. Nancy S
    Posted August 10, 2007 at 11:17 pm | Permalink

    Okay, had to look, and it’s true. I’m trying to think of what actors the two guys in the catalog remind me of – eventually I’ll think of it. But, I clicked on the where to find link, and they actually carry these clothes at Parisian. The women’s clothes aren’t so bad, it’s the men’s that catch your eye.

  8. merediff
    Posted August 13, 2007 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    i hope you bought that outfit for josh. for the first day of school? he’ll be just too fashionable for public high school. & don’t worry about the older kids. they won’t beat him up TOO much. & if they don’t, i bet abby would do it with pleasure.

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