I would be remiss if I didn’t take a few minutes away from my charges to update you, my faithful, on the status of our trip. For those not in the know, I am on a pilgrimage to the girl scout mecca in Savannah. I am here with 10 girls of the pre adolescent variety and 8 other women. Yes, it takes 9 women to keep 10 twelve year old girls in check!
I insisted that we leave at the crack of dawn yesterday so we would get to Savannah in a timely manner. Another leader had made the trip earlier in the summer and they missed their first activity. I was determined not to make the same mistake.
So at 6:00 a.m. we were off! We made excellent time; as a matter of fact I completely blew by the first pre-arranged stop because I was busy running my mouth and I didn’t see the rest area sign until I was passing it. I am a great leader.
We stopped for lunch at Cracker Barrel and I stood over everybody, monitoring their fluid intake and ruthlessly snatching biscuits away from those who were lingering too long. We were on a schedule and I was determined we would be in Savannah on time.
Well, my persistent nagging paid off and we rolled into town three hours early. By the time I got us registered and everyone settled in their rooms, we still had two hours before we had to be downtown for our carriage ride. So everyone was relaxing, taking their time, picking out the perfect outfit to wear.
I was doing none of those things. I was running from room to room like a maniac, trying to keep everyone on task and probably succeeding only in getting on everyone’s nerves. I was running around so much, I didn’t notice the time, and suddenly it was 4:35 and we were supposed to be on the road to the first activity five minutes ago.
I sprang into action, screaming at everyone and prodding them with cattle prods. We loaded up the cars and roared out of the parking lot, girl scouts in high gear. I had pre printed all the directons off of Map Quest. What a handy tool that Map Quest is. You type in your destination and it spits out neat directions that get you where you need to go.
Unfortunately, the directions I printed took us nowhere near where we were going. We drove through the projects of Savannah, admiring the architecture of the public housing. We drove into the historic district. We drove through the historic district. We drove out of the historic district.
It was as the historic district was fading behind my in my rear view mirror that I realized something had gone horribly wrong. I started trying to call other cars and no one answered. I was alone, isolated in my lostness. Finally, in desperation, I whipped a U-Turn and pushed the On-Star button.
There’s a bit of lag time with On-Star and as I was cruising back into town, she helpfully told me to make a U-Turn. “I’ve already done that,” I snapped.
“Oh, sorry,” she chirped. What did she care; she wasn’t lost! She told me to go five blocks and hook a left. We disconnected and Kiki called, wanting to know where we were. She had a good navigator in her car and she was sitting in the parking lot waiting on us. I saw my turn, hooked a hard left and there she was on the right.
Problem was, I had already sort of driven past her. I slammed on the brakes and was going to do a three point turn but my navigator had a fit. So I told the girls to get out of the car and run to the carriages, which were on our left. They piled out and I hollered out the window “We’ll be back!!!”
We roared off down the street looking for a place to turn around. I wisely decided to make a block, so I turned left and started looking for another left to take. Only all the streets were One Way and going the wrong way.
We were gettting further and further away from the place where we had just thrown a bunch of twelve year old girls into the street, alone, so I was getting a bit nervous. I was pretty sure this was not appropriate girl scout leader behavior.
So I took the next left. It was a One Way Street and I was heading the wrong way. It’s amazing how bent out of shape people get about that. They started screaming and gesticulating wildly and I just waved bach cheerfully. “Yes, I know it’s One Way, thank you,” I hollered. And through some creative manipulating, I managed to get back on the right street. See, it all worked out. You just have to know how to use those one way streets!
I roared up to the parking lot in time to see my girl scouts disappear around the corner in a carriage. My joy was short lived, however, when I realized Abby had all the cash and I was facing a parking attendant who wanted $8 for parking. He was not amused when I explained my harrowing adventures, including the One Way Street fiasco. He crossed his arms over his chest, unwilling to overlook the $8 for a pathetic girl scout leader.
So I called Kiki who answered with “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?” and I said “IN THE PARKING LOT AND I NEED $8 NOW!!!!”
Thank God she is a skinny ass bitch in good shape because she came loping up a few minutes later with the cash. I paid the attendant, parked and slunk off to the carriage. I had gotten up at the ass crack of dawn to avoid precisely this turn of events!! Auuuuuuuughghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Stay tuned for the further adventures of the DYSFUNCTIONAL GIRL SCOUT TROOP IN SAVANNAH!!!