Why I’ve Been Hiding Lately

I know I haven’t had much to say lately, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes.  It’s either there or it’s not.  I no longer have a butt boil, my children are only marginally annoying and I haven’t fallen down any stairs lately.  In CNN speak, it’s a slow news week!

But here are the pieces of weirdness that have crossed my path lately, thanks to my ever vigilant readers:

Thanks to Kathy at Birmingham Blues, I now know all about CDD, or Christian Domestic Discipline.  Check out www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com.    In a CDD marriage, the wife submits to her husband and he lovingly disciplines her when she strays from the path of righteousness.  I assume this means when the wife talks back or refuses to cook Hamburger Helper.  The site never really defines what constitutes a punishable offense, but there is an excellent dissertation on the merits of the different positioning for spanking: over the knee spanking versus over the the thighs.  Personally, I feel safest and most loved over the thighs, and I also find it an excellent position for punching my husband in the balls. 

If you go to the site, make sure you check out Sir Don’s FAQs.  If the husband feels himself losing control, he recommends putting the wife in the corner in time out until he cools down enough to beat her more gently.  Time Out is not just for toddlers anymore!  I sincerely hope Sir Don (and it better not be our Don at Dr IQ) is emasculated by a marauding pit bull on steroids.    And check out the selection of crotchless pantaloons in the online store!  Think Little House on the Prairie meets Frederick’s of Hollywood!

Nancy S. sent me a story about squirrels being used to spy in Iran.  God Bless Squirrel Nutkin, George Bush has gotten his hands on him now!   Here is the link: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2412412.html.  I hope you all don’t think I had anything to do with this.  When the CIA approached me and asked my opinion, I just told them the truth, that squirrels are minions of Satan and would therefore be glad to do Bush’s bidding.

My only other observation for the day is that the exterior of my home is beginning to truly resemble the abode of a person who wears a mullet.  I sat on my porch yesterday with the puppy who was in deep disgrace for having peed on Tom’s lap.  It’s not her fault; he’s never nice to her and she was so overwhelmed when he started petting her and speaking kindly to her that she lost all control.  So I had to remove her before he put her to sleep the old fashioned way, with a hammer!!

Anyway, you pull up in my driveway, and there is a collection of coolers arranged attractively around the retaining wall.  I yelled at Tom last week because they were all stacked in one corner, so that was his solution.  I guess he figures the feng shui approach is better than simply putting them away.  There is an old grill hanging out by the basketball goal.  Presumably it’s there so when the kids have games, we can grill hotdogs and sell them to the crowd.  A couple of white plastic chairs complete the look.  Thank God we don’t live in a gated community because we would have been asked to move long ago.

On my front porch I have two beautiful planters filled with dying flowers.  Truly, I mean to water the flowers.  I desire to water the flowers.  I just forget to water them sometimes.  And besides there’s a drought and it’s sinful to water flowers.  I am being a good custodian of the environment.  I care about global warming as much as the next yokel.  

To complete the look, there is a pooper scooper at the bottom of the steps.  Disgusting, some say, but I say it’s art.  It’s the seminal work of a middle-aged housewife, a primal scream of despair at the direction the world has taken.  The pooper scooper expresses my contempt for the larger, global situation of poverty and famine and war.  That the jaws are half open suggests the action of scooping up all that is diseased and foul and disposing of it.  Then again, maybe it just suggests my family is too lazy to put the pooper scooper away when they’re done.

So that’s what’s going on in my head right now!  Stay tuned for an exciting dissertation on my upcoming trip to Savannah Georgia, birthplace of the founder of girl scouts!

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14 Comments

  1. Posted July 24, 2007 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

    Don’t feel bad — at least your kids will use the pooper scooper. Mine act like they’re being waterboarded at the mere suggestion that they scoop the litter box. We also have an old gas grill gracing our back yard. Now that I think of it, it’s no surprise that our back neighbors added a privacy fence that’s two feet higher than the norm.

    Speaking of mullets, we were watching “Sell This House” a couple of weeks ago, and the owner of the house in question was sporting an exquisite example of the genre. I’m sure that had nothing to do with the fact that her house looked like a 70’s nightmare.

  2. George Bush
    Posted July 24, 2007 at 9:03 pm | Permalink

    You mullet-head. All these months, Satan has been talking about having Squirrel Nutkin with him. You have given my secret away. Now everyone knows. I am Satan. I’m gonna give you a nucular spanking over my knee after making you stand in the corner. And since I have no balls, you can’t hurt me like you might hurt Tim.

  3. merediff
    Posted July 24, 2007 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

    first of all, let me say thanks for reading my most recent post, freaking out, & having your hubby call me this morning. however, i was fast asleep, cuddling with the baby. but i did get a hold of him later on, & he filled me in on your saintly act. i truly appreciate it, as does baby lamb. (i don’t think he cared for me watching him so intensely.)

    second of all, gw…boo.
    that’s all.

  4. SassyMinx
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 7:29 am | Permalink

    Have you really given thought to CDD?
    I am woman and I choose this lifestyle.

    Did you know that 99% of all these relationships….Women are the ones that ask their husbands for it! We want it…We need it!

    It is NOT the men.

    It is a great thing and society today as a whole would be much better off if their were more relationships in America today!

  5. dailydiatribes
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 8:06 am | Permalink

    No, I have to admit it does not appeal to me. The Bible is a wonderful book, filled with wonderful things, but I don’t read it literally. If I did that, I would also own slaves, slaughter lambs and my husband would have concubines.
    And if it’s gonna take wife beating to make the world a better place then I want out NOW!!!

  6. Teensy
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 10:12 am | Permalink

    Hey, SassyMinx, I hope your post was just to be funny. No woman should be in an abusive relationship, physical or emotional. I’m married to a loving man who doesn’t need to hurt me to have a great relationship. I’m with Jen, wife beating is taboo!!! Besides, my husband hits me he better be prepared for me to hit back, with a bat!! I’ve seen the movie “Enough”!

  7. dailydiatribes
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 10:23 am | Permalink

    Ok, this is Gina on Jen’s computer. I have to say in SassyMinx’s defense, most Dom/sub relationships are controlled by the sub. The sub choses to submit to the Dom and by doing gives the Dom their power. It is a turn on for many, don’t knock it. Some people find what we do (vanilla) as distasteful as we may find what they do. But in a true “relationship” what is being done is ALWAYS consentual.

  8. Sir Don
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

    One thought, how did you run across this lifestyle, and if you were so offended why did you keep researching the site, reading every comment?
    It must have intrigued you in some way deep down that makes you nervous.

    As for beating my wife, ha, she gets spanked not beaten, she willingly lays across my lap for a spanking, this does not mean I am abusing her, she does not get welts, cuts, bruises.
    Have you ever been spanked during sex?, if so then you are more like us then you are willing to admit.

    Too many people believe that if a wife is spanked she is being abused, hit, hurt, with out her consent, this life style is not about force, read the first word, “LOVING”, the last part of this lifestyle is “DISCIPLINE”.
    Please do not lump what we practice with those guys who leave a wife with facial marks, black eyes, fat lips, broken bones, mental issues.

    As far as the Bible, if you really believe that do you also take stealing, lying, killing, as just a nice area to read in the book, who cares it doesn’t really mean not too.

  9. Kiki
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 3:53 pm | Permalink

    I find the website disturbing, and as disturbing as some kinky relationships may seem to me, this one did not seem to qualify for any such “relationship.” This is about a woman submitting to her husband for punishment as you would give to a misbehvaing child. I don’t appreciate my husband acting like I’m stupid or that he needs to discipline me, unless we are joking around or “fooling “around. Otherwise, there may be a real fight, and I’m with Teensy–I’ll hit back! I’ve seen enough abuse in my life, and this sounds like abuse to me, and not the consensual kind either.

  10. dailydiatribes
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

    Whoa. First of all, I have to agree with Gina. Your lifestyle is your own and I am not judging at all. I have said many times in my blog and I mean it sincerely, that what people do behind closed doors is their own business.
    The site was sent to me by a friend who was appalled by it. I have to admit, and I truly don’t mean to be offensive, I was amused by it. In this day in age I can hardly believe that any woman would submit to being disciplined by a man. I am a thinking, reasoning human being and I do not need any man to discipline me to control my baser urges.
    I have never been “spanked” during sex and it holds absolutely no interest for me at all. But hey, whatever floats your boat dude!!

  11. Kiki
    Posted July 25, 2007 at 4:23 pm | Permalink

    Maybe I am being judgemental, but it is kind of hard not to be. I would truly be upset if one of my beautiful smart, intelligent daughters came to me ansd said this is what they want in their marriage. I second Jennifer’s remarks: “In this day in age I can hardly believe that any woman would submit to being disciplined by a man.” It doesn’t say anything in the Bible about spanking, or any physical “discipline”, as it is being so euphamistically called on the website. Open your Bible to Ephesians 5 and read further than verse 22-24. 28-29 says husbands should love their wives as themselves and treat them as Christ treats his church; lovingly. With respect, and not as children. Where do you get spanking and “discipling” your wife out of that? Sorry, you all come across as a bunch of crackpots. I would be more comfortable with a plain old S&M website than this! At least those folks are being honest!
    Of course, the next chapter in Ephesians goes on to say that slaves should be obedient to your masters, and maybe that is what Jen means when she says she doesn’t take everything in the bible literally. Duh.

  12. Teensy
    Posted July 26, 2007 at 6:30 am | Permalink

    Ditto Kiki. : )

  13. Posted July 26, 2007 at 12:31 pm | Permalink

    Jen: “it better not be our Don at Dr IQ”

    No, Darlin’, this Don has never been “Knighted”. I have only been “over-nighted” on rare occasions when I was able to convince my kitchen maid (wench) to do that by my doing all the kitchen clean-up duties for her while smothering her with kisses in all the right places while also whispering sweet lies into her quivering ears. Therefore, I can understand why your puppy couldn’t resist the urge to irrigate Tim’s trousers. Perhaps you should have asked Tim to place your puppy on the planters on your porch before he showed his affection.

  14. Ros
    Posted August 3, 2007 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

    “This is about a woman submitting to her husband ”

    Exactly! CDD is about a woman making a free choice of her own volition. That is to say that it isn’t about coercion, abuse or violence, it’s just about a couple choosing to live their lives in a particular way.


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