I know I haven’t had much to say lately, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes. It’s either there or it’s not. I no longer have a butt boil, my children are only marginally annoying and I haven’t fallen down any stairs lately. In CNN speak, it’s a slow news week!
But here are the pieces of weirdness that have crossed my path lately, thanks to my ever vigilant readers:
Thanks to Kathy at Birmingham Blues, I now know all about CDD, or Christian Domestic Discipline. Check out www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com. In a CDD marriage, the wife submits to her husband and he lovingly disciplines her when she strays from the path of righteousness. I assume this means when the wife talks back or refuses to cook Hamburger Helper. The site never really defines what constitutes a punishable offense, but there is an excellent dissertation on the merits of the different positioning for spanking: over the knee spanking versus over the the thighs. Personally, I feel safest and most loved over the thighs, and I also find it an excellent position for punching my husband in the balls.
If you go to the site, make sure you check out Sir Don’s FAQs. If the husband feels himself losing control, he recommends putting the wife in the corner in time out until he cools down enough to beat her more gently. Time Out is not just for toddlers anymore! I sincerely hope Sir Don (and it better not be our Don at Dr IQ) is emasculated by a marauding pit bull on steroids. And check out the selection of crotchless pantaloons in the online store! Think Little House on the Prairie meets Frederick’s of Hollywood!
Nancy S. sent me a story about squirrels being used to spy in Iran. God Bless Squirrel Nutkin, George Bush has gotten his hands on him now! Here is the link: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2412412.html. I hope you all don’t think I had anything to do with this. When the CIA approached me and asked my opinion, I just told them the truth, that squirrels are minions of Satan and would therefore be glad to do Bush’s bidding.
My only other observation for the day is that the exterior of my home is beginning to truly resemble the abode of a person who wears a mullet. I sat on my porch yesterday with the puppy who was in deep disgrace for having peed on Tom’s lap. It’s not her fault; he’s never nice to her and she was so overwhelmed when he started petting her and speaking kindly to her that she lost all control. So I had to remove her before he put her to sleep the old fashioned way, with a hammer!!
Anyway, you pull up in my driveway, and there is a collection of coolers arranged attractively around the retaining wall. I yelled at Tom last week because they were all stacked in one corner, so that was his solution. I guess he figures the feng shui approach is better than simply putting them away. There is an old grill hanging out by the basketball goal. Presumably it’s there so when the kids have games, we can grill hotdogs and sell them to the crowd. A couple of white plastic chairs complete the look. Thank God we don’t live in a gated community because we would have been asked to move long ago.
On my front porch I have two beautiful planters filled with dying flowers. Truly, I mean to water the flowers. I desire to water the flowers. I just forget to water them sometimes. And besides there’s a drought and it’s sinful to water flowers. I am being a good custodian of the environment. I care about global warming as much as the next yokel.
To complete the look, there is a pooper scooper at the bottom of the steps. Disgusting, some say, but I say it’s art. It’s the seminal work of a middle-aged housewife, a primal scream of despair at the direction the world has taken. The pooper scooper expresses my contempt for the larger, global situation of poverty and famine and war. That the jaws are half open suggests the action of scooping up all that is diseased and foul and disposing of it. Then again, maybe it just suggests my family is too lazy to put the pooper scooper away when they’re done.
So that’s what’s going on in my head right now! Stay tuned for an exciting dissertation on my upcoming trip to Savannah Georgia, birthplace of the founder of girl scouts!