A Boil On My Backside and Other Tales of Woe

I cannot catch a break.  The stress is overwhelming me.  I just deleted and retyped the word break three times because I thought I typed a semicolon, but it turned out there was a spot on the computer screen.  My life is hell.

There is a bump on my butt.  I realize this is not appropriate conversation, but it’s my blog and I want to whine about the bump on my butt.  Deal with it.  It’s been there for a week and hasn’t been particularly bothersome, other than it’s there.  So last night, in a fit of boredom, I decided to squeeze it.  Because everyone knows if you squeeze a bump, goop squirts out and the bump goes away.  But I can’t see this bump, so I guess I squeezed it a bit too zealously and it has swelled to epic proportions.  I don’t think any goop came out at all and it hurts like hell.  Every time I walk, it chafes.

I can’t even go to the doctor to get the thing looked at because Renee and I are friends and you can’t go waving your butt in your friend’s face.  Here is a piece of advice:  never befriend your family practitioner because then you will be left with no one to help you with your anal boils.  I am deeply worried it’s some sort of recurring viral thing…..a rectal wart or something.  Probably, I am going to die from it and the Birmingham News will print the whole story:  “Local Woman Dies From Anal Abscess After Over-Squeezing Butt Pimple.”  Keep me in your prayers, ok?

I went shopping today for a dress.  We have to go to a wedding this weekend; Tim is wearing a tux in his starring role as the World’s Oldest Living Groomsman.  I figured since he was going to look so spiffy, I ought to dress up too.  The problem is I am short and fat.  It’s ok to be short and it’s ok to be fat, but  the two conditions together are a lethal combination.  I can never find clothes that fit; they are either too long, too grannyish, or too tight.  I wear a bigger dress size than I do pant size for some weird reason.  I think it has something to do with my bosoms.  But for it to fit everywhere, it inevitably gapes somewhere and clings elsewhere, making me look pregnant with twenty pound triplets.

All dresses for fat women are the same.  Once you reach a certain dress size, all dresses have a floral print.  They are constructed of polyester and have no shape whatsoever.  God forbid anyone should be subjected to the sight of a bulge.  It’s ok to see someone’s rear end hanging out of a pair of low riders, but OH GAG ME if someone has a ripple in their abdomen!!  Mind you, I don’t love to see someone stuffed into an outfit three sizes too small, but at least give people the option of clothing that fits!

Anyway, too bad if you hate flowers or polyester, you have no other choices.  About 90% of these dresses come with a boxy, shapeless jacket, to conceal the rest of your flab.  This smacks of a conservative conspiracy to keep women of size from rising up and squashing the world into submission with their Krispy Kreme enhanced layers of loveliness!  Damn George Bush!! 

So I wandered morosely up and down the aisles of several stores, butt pimple chafing, flipping through racks of polyester dresses.  I tried Stein Mart first, but their clothes scare me.  They are ferociously printed, usually with leopard spots or zebra stripes and require more accessorizing than I can possibly muster.  The salespeople place an outfit on a mannequin, add two or three scarves, a belt, earrings, bracelets and other acoutrements and it goes without saying that one must purchase every single item to complete the look.  So the entire package ends up costing around $573 plus tax.  Forget it.  I headed to Goody’s.

They have lots of dresses there, but they all fall into the long, gauzy, shapeless, brown category.  That’s the other problem with fat dresses; they are always ugly colors.  You know, fat people are not color blind.  We like to occasionally venture away from brown or black and get crazy and wear a nice taupe or beige!  Don’t pigeonhole us!

Anyway, nothing there, so I headed to Ross Dress for Less.  Everyone finds stuff at Ross.  Everyone except me.  I stared in dismay at the racks of floral printed dresses topped with boxy, ugly jackets and sighed.  I did find one cute sundress, and I grabbed it.  I also decided to try one of those empire waist (or is it baby doll….cut right under the bust and drops down to the knees???) dresses, knowing it would cement my reputation as the carrier of twenty pound triplets.  But I was feeling rebellious, overcome with a desire to topple over the tyrannical racks of floral prints and wear a solid!

Well, I got to the dressing room and the sundress turned out to be a size 22 which was not the size the hanger indicated.  I could have actually fit all three of the kids into the dress with me.  I tried on the other dress, and as predicted, it made me look distressingly maternal.  Who in the hell can wear that style without causing gossip?

I gave up and decided to wear the one dress I have in my closet that fits and does not make me look grannyish.  To console myself, I bought a cute pair of crop jeans from the fat juniors section. I also bought a baby doll top, knowing that I will get all sorts of smiles from people as they ask me when the baby is due.  “Six years ago,” I will snarl at them as I mentally curse them with butt pimples.  Now I have to go pack so we can get into the car YET AGAIN and drive four hours with the children.  I can hardly contain my joy.

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16 Comments

  1. Renee
    Posted July 5, 2007 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    I could “de-friend” you to look at your butt. Should I say something mean and skanky about you to seal it? Naw, you’ve done it to yourself with this blog. I think Wal-mart, that haven of clothing for the plus sized woman might have a polyester floral dress just right for you, your pimply butt and your triplets. Love you!

  2. dailydiatribes
    Posted July 5, 2007 at 7:03 pm | Permalink

    The bad thing is Wal-Mart actually had better dresses than Stein Mart!!! But they were all either size 24 or size 8 and I fall somewhere in the middle!! Bitch!!

  3. Satan
    Posted July 5, 2007 at 9:10 pm | Permalink

    I told you plagues would be coming if you didn’t take the squirrel back!

  4. Andrea H
    Posted July 6, 2007 at 12:14 pm | Permalink

    We lovingly refer to them as hiney bumps. Squeezing them does not do the same for you as squeezing one on your forehead. For something like this, Renee is probably nbot your best bet. She loves to squeeze bumpy/cystly like things, but then she starts getting the giggles when you whimper a little from the pain. Then it just gets worse…the pain and the giggling. Turns into hysterical laughter and tears cause she “feels so bad for hurting you!” Explain that, sis! FYI – She worked on a cyst in my ear…unsuccessfully.

  5. Lori
    Posted July 6, 2007 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    I had one of “those things” on my butt too. I made the same mistake. I ended up going to a dermatologist and showing him my butt. A little steroid creme later and all was well. Why do those things happen anyway? Isn’t it bad enough we get them on our face and have Aunt Flo. We have to have ass pimples too?
    Good luck with the dress. I have to go shopping tonight with a 2 1/2 yr old and my mom, for an interview TOMORROW morning (yes- Sat)!! I think I will eat the nerve pill BEFORE I go…

  6. Kiki
    Posted July 6, 2007 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    And there was once a plague of hemroids, I learned about it in bible study!!!! BTW, I stayed in Squirrel Nutkin’s old room, and it was lonely and sad…

  7. Posted July 6, 2007 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

    Jennifer, stay far away from Stein-Mart if you’re looking for clothes. The last time I was there, a whole busload from one of the local old folks’ homes unloaded in the parking lot. That’s the target audience (although I can find cute jewelry there). Next time burn a little gas and drive to the Dress Barn at the WaterMark outlet mall. Even 14YOD finds cute stuff there, they have all sizes, and there’s a dearth of floral polyester with shapeless jackets.

  8. Kiki
    Posted July 6, 2007 at 7:56 pm | Permalink

    I’m offended, Kathy, I like Stein Mart! Some of their sale stuff is really good, and I don’t think I dress like an old lady! Not saying that they don’t have some “old lady” outfits, (so does vereywhere else for that matter) but I have quite a few things from there, including a black dress I got for Christmas that I think is very attractive. And for a great deal. I stay away from Goody’s, but I will go into Ross to check things out quite often. We had Dress Barn in NY, but I haven’t been in one for years. However, the name does conjure up dresses in a pasture…and what about Kohl’s???? C’mon, it isn’t that hard, is it?

  9. Nancy S
    Posted July 7, 2007 at 7:29 am | Permalink

    Kathy’s right, Dress Barn is great, and guess what? They are building one at the Colonial Promenade in Alabaster!

  10. Gina
    Posted July 7, 2007 at 7:30 am | Permalink

    Actually I agree with Kathy. Remember that cute white dress with black polka dots I got there when I went with you. Hell, if I still have it, which I’m not sure I do, you could have used that one!

  11. dailydiatribes
    Posted July 7, 2007 at 10:11 am | Permalink

    Lori, thank you for your hopeful comment. I believe it has reduced in size and I am thinking I might make a full recovery. I really don’t want to go moon a medical professional unless it’s absolutely necessary. Good luck shopping!!
    Andrea, it is a well known fact that Renee did not go to medical school for nothin; she went to learn how to inflict maximum pain on her fellow humans!!!
    Kathy, I agree with you about SM…sorry Kiki. I forgot about Dress Barn!! Dammit!

  12. Posted July 7, 2007 at 3:13 pm | Permalink

    Kiki, I have bought some really cute things at Stein-Mart, but not in the past year. They used to carry a nice selection in women’s sizes (not those teensy ones you wear 🙂 ), but not anymore.

  13. Posted July 14, 2007 at 11:49 pm | Permalink

    “Local Woman Dies From Anal Abscess After Over-Squeezing Butt Pimple.”

    Hilarious! And I would consider this article an improvement over much of what I read in the Bham news!

  14. Drive-by Poster
    Posted July 17, 2007 at 8:19 pm | Permalink

    I came across your former blog after a Google search of the phrase “not meant to be a mother”. I was hoping to find a support group for women who are sick of their kids (or at least something humorous to calm me down) and I found you. Well, the old you. The old you had the web address for the new, you so here I am.

    I was having a grand ol’ time reading about your shopping trip. I was nodding in agreement to everything you wrote until you got to the part where you could fit you AND your kids in the size 22 dress. You mean a 22 is way too big for you and you STILL can’t find anything other than those hideous column dress/jacket combos? I thought they STARTED making those at size 22…and that everyone thinner than me was lucky enough to avoid wearing one. I was on a diet, but dang, if I lose weight and still can’t find anything to wear besides those things I might as well eat what I want! *grin*

  15. dailydiatribes
    Posted July 18, 2007 at 6:33 am | Permalink

    Oh Drive by, I am so sorry to tell you that there is nothing cute until you shrink down to a 10. I haven’t been a 10 since I was 10! I just exist in all my flowered, polyester glory, waiting until flab comes in style again!!


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