I have stolen away from the hotel room, leaving all the children alone and unsupervised, to get some peace and to blog. This is the first time I have used Tom’s laptop (yes, the ass bought a laptop for himself, but I get to “use” it) and I was a little apprehensive about how to connect to the internet. Turns out the real problem was how to open it; I was deeply worried that I would have to ask the front desk guy if he could open it for me. I tried, I pried, I fiddled, and finally, after five long, embarrassing minutes, I turned it around and voila….it opened!! I was trying to open the wrong end!
So far, the trip has been tolerable. The first night, we walked up to our room only to discover the Louisiana Funeral Home Associations’s Hospitality Suite was conveniently located right next to our room. Only I am lucky enough to have a bunch of drunk, coon-ass undertakers next door. They whooped and hollered and carried on until well after 10:00. I was tempted to go join them, but I was afraid they might embalm me.
Evidently they were all here for a big convention. What sort of things happen at a funeral home convention? For Tom’s vet meeting, there are all sorts of vendors set up, handing out free pens and candy and frisbees. What sort of vendors come to the Funeral Home Convention? Is there more than one type of embalming fluid? Casket vendors? Do they hand out coffin shaped candies to the kids? Maybe they have zombies providing “live” entertainment!
Well, fortunately, the hospitality suite was only next door the one night, so we were able to get some sleep last night. Other than that, it’s been pretty tame. I love going to the beach with kids. We hike 100 yards down to the beach, loaded with toys, a cooler, towels, sunscreen, boogie boards and reading material. I settle in my chair while the kids run toward the surf. Ten minutes later, they run back and announce they are bored and want to go to the pool. After all that hard work. Meanwhile, Tom is playing golf and getting drunk while I try to keep everyone alive. It’s truly delightful and relaxing.
After they whine for an hour, I finally give in and we hike back up to the pool. I collapse, exhausted and sweaty, into a chair. They jump in the pool. Ten minutes later, they run back and announce they are hungry and bored. So we get lunch and they eat and then play for another ten minutes and then they are ready to go upstairs. We could have stayed home and done this for free.
Today, they all insisted they were hungry, ordered the $6.00 grilled cheese sandwiches and after eating half of the sandwich,they ran off to play. I was sitting watching them and the next thing I know, a seagull divebombs the table and steals a french fry. I nearly came out of my skin! Freakin’ seagulls are in league with the devil and his pet squirrels, that’s for sure!!
There is a dude at the pool who plays music in the afternoon. He plays the same songs every day. He sang “Cheeseburger in Paradise” complete with a large, rubber, squeaky cheeseburger. It’s a very cultured environment. Yesterday, he sang “Bye Bye Miss American Pie”, but when he got to the line “no angel born in hell, could break that satan’s spell…” he left out hell. I guess he was trying to protect America’s youth from the terrible imagery of eternal damnation. I wish he would protect America’s youth from his covers of every song the Eagles ever recorded.
Well, that’s it so far. I guess I’ve been away from the room long enough. John and Amy have probably convinced the goddess and czarina that it would be fun to bungee jump down the side of the building with dental floss. I will try and check in before the weekend is through, if I can get away. Then again, I may end up in a rubber room with a straitjacket on, so promise if that happens, you’ll bring me cigarettes!!