We are heading for the beach tomorrow. Ah, the sight of seagulls circling above, waves crashing the shore, beaches so snowy white they make your eyes hurt. Ah the sounds of my children squabbling for four straight hours in the car. Is it too late for me to run now?
I took the goddess to swim team practice today and while I was there, the phone rang. It was Amy. “Mom,” she said, “can I download a song on your I-pod?”
“No,” I told her, then asked, “what song?”
“You Give Love a Bad Name,” she said.
“Hell no,” I told her. “I hated that song when it came out twenty years ago. Forget it.”
“But Mo-om,” she whined.
When I got home, John had already purchased it and was playing it loudly and singing: “Shot through the heart and YOU’RE SO LAME….”
I shook my head. “Son,” I told him, “it’s not “lame”…”
“I know, I know,” he interrupted. “It’s “you’re too late.”
“No,” I shouted, “you’ve got the words all wrong. It’s “shot through the heart and you’re…”
Amy walked in right about then and chimed in “and you’re too late….”
“No,” I screamed. “IT’S YOU’RE TO BLAME!!!! GET THE WORDS RIGHT.” They just stared at me like I had lost my mind, which I had. After all, it’s summer time.
Shortly thereafter, I walked through the family room and found Amy lying on the floor, playing with Gina’s puppy. I walked up to her and lifted my foot and put it on her stomach, pretending I was going to stomp her guts in, which is not really a bad idea when you think about it.
“Mom, stop it,” she squealed. “You’re going to make me constipated!”
My foot hovered in mid-air over its intended target….huh? Gina fell backward on the couch, howling.
“Amy, how is me stepping on your stomach going to make you constipated?” I asked her sensibly.
“Because you’ll obstruct my poop flow,” she answered seriously.
Gina was having convulsions and I continued to hover, thinking about what she had just said. Is there a medical coorelation between gut stomping and constipation? I am going to have to ask Renee because obviously, this is highly advanced medical science. Needless to say, I carefully removed my foot because far be it for me to obstruct her bowels.
After Gina left, I decided to get the hell out of the house and go get a pedicure. My children are weird, too weird for me, and I need to limit my exposure. Otherwise I’ll end up on CNN….Mother Constipates Kids With Baseball Bat During Argument Over Song Lyrics.
Hope y’all have a great rest of the week and check back next week for tales from the beach. Maybe there will be a mass squirrel attack or something. You thought Jaws was scary, wait until Squirrel Nutkin runs amok on the beach!!