Today’s News

We are heading for the beach tomorrow.  Ah, the sight of seagulls circling above, waves crashing the shore, beaches so snowy white they make your eyes hurt.  Ah the sounds of my children squabbling for four straight hours in the car.  Is it too late for me to run now?

I took the goddess to swim team practice today and while I was there, the phone rang.  It was Amy.  “Mom,” she said, “can I download a song on your I-pod?” 

“No,” I told her, then asked, “what song?”

“You Give Love a Bad Name,” she said.

“Hell no,” I told her.  “I hated that song when it came out twenty years ago.  Forget it.”

“But Mo-om,” she whined.


When I got home, John had already purchased it and was playing it loudly and singing:  “Shot through the heart and YOU’RE SO LAME….”

I shook my head.  “Son,” I told him, “it’s not “lame”…”

“I know, I know,” he interrupted.  “It’s “you’re too late.”

“No,” I shouted, “you’ve got the words all wrong.  It’s “shot through the heart and you’re…”

Amy walked in right about then and chimed in “and you’re too late….”

“No,” I screamed.  “IT’S YOU’RE TO BLAME!!!!  GET THE WORDS RIGHT.”  They just stared at me like I had lost my mind, which I had.  After all, it’s summer time.

Shortly thereafter, I walked through the family room and found Amy lying on the floor, playing with Gina’s puppy.  I walked up to her and lifted my foot and put it on her stomach, pretending I was going to stomp her guts in, which is not really a bad idea when you think about it.

“Mom, stop it,” she squealed.  “You’re going to make me constipated!”

My foot hovered in mid-air over its intended target….huh?  Gina fell backward on the couch, howling.

“Amy, how is me stepping on your stomach going to make you constipated?” I asked her sensibly.

“Because you’ll obstruct my poop flow,” she answered seriously.

Gina was having convulsions and I continued to hover, thinking about what she had just said.  Is there a medical coorelation between gut stomping and constipation?  I am going to have to ask Renee because obviously, this is highly advanced medical science.  Needless to say, I carefully removed my foot because far be it for me to obstruct her bowels.

After Gina left, I decided to get the hell out of the house and go get a pedicure.  My children are weird, too weird for me, and I need to limit my exposure.  Otherwise I’ll end up on CNN….Mother Constipates Kids With Baseball Bat During Argument Over Song Lyrics.

Hope y’all have a great rest of the week and check back next week for tales from the beach.  Maybe there will be a mass squirrel attack or something.  You thought Jaws was scary, wait until Squirrel Nutkin runs amok on the beach!!



  1. Teensy
    Posted June 27, 2007 at 7:53 am | Permalink

    Hmmm. Unless you stomp clear to her back bone and hold it there, I don’t think you can obstruct her poop flow. I think Renee will back me up on this one.
    Gina, when did ya get a puppy?
    Jen, have a safe trip. I just survived our beach trip so I know you can do it!! Ear plugs!!! See ya when ya get back!!

  2. Kiki
    Posted June 27, 2007 at 8:29 am | Permalink

    The puppy is so cute. I want him. We have a bunny now, who attacked Bobby last night. I suggested we rename him Jaws (his real name is Thumper). The bunny has nipped everyone in the house but me, but he truly goes after Bobby. Last night was the worst attack yet! First he bit his hand, than his inside thigh, and then he snuck around behind him and bit him on the back–hard. I’m talking serious teeth marks and bruising. Bobby jumped up and the bunny was flung to the ground. And this is a small bunny. Not a dwarf, but only 2 or 3 pounds. The kids were crying, I was laughing, and Bobby–well, he wasn’t laughing! Bobby then spent an hour cleaning the bunny’s cage. Ungrateful creature. We were told it was a female, but now believe it is an un-fixed male. He has big balls. And he loves me and has some weird fixation on Bobby, so something is definitely up. He is probably friends with Satan and Squirrel Nutkin. The bunny was free to a good home, and the guy at the pet store volunteered the info that he had only bitten anyone one time in three years. Ha. The kids played with him all day yesterday without incident, but every night when Bobby gets home, the bunny tries to chomp on him. I sure wish we had a dog, but at least the bunny is better than the 3 creepy millipedes my 2 youngest have been playing with up to this point.

  3. Gina
    Posted June 27, 2007 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

    Well, Teensy, if you weren’t gone half the summer you’d have seen her by now. And yes, Kiki, she is adorable. And I’m very glad the blog’s author blogged about Abby’s obstructed poop flow because it was hysterical. I’m also glad she went to the beach. I’ll see you all when you get back. Love you!

  4. Posted June 27, 2007 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    Have a wonderful time at the beach! Ignore the kids, lie in the sun, don’t worry about the squirrels. 🙂

  5. SAHM
    Posted June 28, 2007 at 9:35 am | Permalink

    Jen, I found myself in over my head the end of the school year and not making my usual time to read by daily dose of your blog. But I decided to heck with the evils that be, they will not keep me away any longer. and yes, to my pleasure you are funnier than ever. The only sad part about it is you left for the beach just as I found you again! Have a great trip! Read you later!!!

  6. Renee
    Posted June 28, 2007 at 11:49 am | Permalink

    You’ll stop my poop flow?!! Oh yeah, it’s the same kid who reassured you that she wouldn’t ever kill you. Have fun at the beach.

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