Wednesday found me floating down the lazy river at Alabama Adventure with Nancy. Nancy was kind enough to accompany me after I was cruelly abandoned by Teensy, who claimed she was too “sick” to go. Hell, I was too sick to go, but the blonde goddess, having been promised a day in the sun with the rednecks, would not be dissuaded.
As we floated, the combination of intense, blazing, Alabama sun and the constant circular motion of the river caused me to think. This is frequently a dangerous activity for me. “Nancy,” said I, “at what age is a woman required to cut her hair short and perm it for the rest of her life?”
You see, we had seen many women of a certain age at the park and most of them were sporting a helmet of kinky, iron gray curls (that is, the curls were kinky, not the women). Older women seem to live for their trips to the beauty parlor, where their hair is chemically altered into an unnatural arrangement of sausage curls. It is then poufed up extravagantly and sprayed into submission with a can of Aqua-net.
Nancy and I agreed that when one applies for an AARP membership, a list of requirements is provided to the prospective candidate. Full compliance is demanded if one wants to get the card and the discounts at the Shoney’s breakfast buffet it promises. Hair style is first on the list. You want your card, fine, but you better submit photographic proof of your new hairdo.
This might seem a bit extreme to some of you, but the Permanent Program is sanctioned by the government. In fact, they will actually block your Medicare benefits if you do not comply with their style requirements. Now I know some of you are shaking your heads and thinking this is yet another example of government going too far in regulating the life of the average citizen, but by making senior citizens identifiable, the government can keep track of them.
Why else do you think you see so many older people dressed in polyester? The polyester lobby has quite a stranglehold on the AARP, as do the patent holders of permanent solution, and they use their position to impose these rules upon our elderly. But the government loves it and endorses it 100%. The economy responds favorably when people purchase polyester. Plus, it’s easier to make sure that only the elderly are receiving senior citizen discounts and collecting social security.
So the next time you see a helmet of tightly curled gray hair, just know your days are numbered. And don’t think men are exempt either; comb-over anyone?